31/03/2015
NEWS STORY
In a totally unexpected move Bernie Ecclestone and Sir Richard Branson called an early morning press conference co-hosted from London and Pasadena, California. The entrepreneurial duo has announced details of a plan they say has been quietly in the works for the past twenty-five years, and finally explains many of the confusing decisions taken within Formula One during that time.
Bernie and his media staff hosted the London news conference, with a live video tie-in to Sir Richard at his Virgin Galactic headquarters in Pasadena. Gaining rapt silence with a polite wave of his hand Mr Ecclestone held the room spellbound as he commenced the press conference.
"Thank-you for joining us at such short notice. I'll not waste time and get direct to the business of the day. The project we are about to reveal to you has been a shared dream for Sir Richard and I for longer than I care to remember." opened Ecclestone.
To great surprise around the room Mr E explained that FormulaE had never been a racing category, it had simply been a test bed to prove the non-combustion technology for the engines he needed for a far grander plan. The technology was now ready to combine with the advanced test beds and simulators used by all the teams over the past decade to provide a far bigger show.
"Getting countries on-board with significant communications capability, and significant financial backing were the final pieces we required." Ecclestone continued, "We are seeking a giant leap for mankind on the racing scene. I had a dream, the chance to spread a harmony far further than anyone had ever before, and Sir Richard was the conductor to make it reality."
Smiling his trademark smile Sir Richard continued the story: "Bernie is a far-sighted man who loves the fans, and when he came to me about fifteen years ago, I immediately knew this was a vision I had to be a part of. It captured so many things that have driven me over the years."
In London a smiling and nodding Ecclestone nodded his head in time to Sir Richard's key points.
"When we got Abu Dhabi on side with the rest of the seed funding it was simply too good to let go. Bernie has spent years carefully gathering funds from all the circuits, but he was not amassing the required funds fast enough until the Arabian countries, and then Virgin, came on board.
“We had all the research pieces in place and now we had the backing," continued Sir Richard, "Then with a couple of years to go, it nearly came undone and it was time for Bernie to take a lead role in saving us." Branson pulled a serious face as he nodded to the camera and cast focus back to London.
Chuckling, Ecclestone continued the story, "I think you all know I play my cards close to my chest" he offered in a shy tone, eliciting polite laughter from the gathering of friendly journalists. "I'm sure Sir Richard will correct me if I get anything out of order. It ran something like this."
Nodding to an aid, the lights dimmed a fraction and a second display screen lit up next to the beaming Sir Richard, with delicate black and white images of the driving greats from the 1950s and 1960s dancing across it.
"We all know and love the heroic past that Formula One has built across the race tracks of the world,” said Ecclestone. “Well, Sir Richard and I are now going to do what no other sport has achieved. We want a whole new level of perfection for the fans. After decades of tireless effort I can now reveal what I was truly chasing for race fans around the world all along." Here he paused to check the room, not a sound. "We have the cars that require no oxygen to run. We have the colossal funding required, gathered from circuits and backers around the world. We have the remarkable simulators required for the finest of control, and the communications to beam that control anywhere we care." Bernie paused for effect, sweeping his kindly gaze around the room, "Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Richard and I are taking this sport to the stars!"
With a flourish, Bernie points to Sir Richard, and Branson, turning slowly and raising his arms above his head, stands tall as a massive curtain floats to the ground, revealing a Virgin Galactic ship larger than a jumbo jet.
"Yes ladies and gentlemen. Our 2022 season will open with the first ever race on another astral body. We will be running a three heavenly bodies, nine race series on the Moon, Mars, and Venus!"
The London room erupted in a sea of frantic clapping, a few emotional cheers rang out. Smiling Bernie patted the air with his hands palm down, gesturing for silence before he continued. It took some time for the room to settle, the buzz of energy in the air making everyone edgy with excitement.
"Yes, yes, yes. All the questions you have all been asking for over twenty years are finally answered. What is Bernie really doing? Well now you know. With the tireless support of Sir Richard, the technical knowledge gained in FormulaE, and the massive funds taken from the circuit owners I am giving you the first sport, the first spectacle, the first inter-planetary business undertaking for humanity!"
The room held its breath as he continued. "So many times we were concerned you'd worked it out before we were ready. Insisting on racing in deserts with extreme temperatures and no crowds. Forcing Pirelli to build more and more bizarre tyres, ending this last off-season with special cold weather tyres," Here he had to pause as he chuckled at his own story.
"And the entire FormulaE story!,” he continued. “The name was Sir Richard's idea. We could not come up with a sensible name for the series. Then Dickie piped up, ‘I say Bernie, as this is all about you, why not call it ForumlaEccelstone?’ Now naturally I loved the idea, but we knew it would blow our cover. So taking a leaf from Apple's book we dropped all of the word other than the first letter, and bingo! FormulaE was born. Simply to test the non-combusting engines we require for off-Earth racing. And I didn't have to pay for it!"
Smiles and heads shaking in amazement filled the room as Ecclestone continued, on the big screen the montage of old heroes was mixing playfully with Sir Richard as he waved the massive Virgin inter-planetary space liner from the hanger.
"Some of you wags are still capable of investigative journalism so we needed an increasingly complex cover story to keep you away from the real game." Ecclestone admitted, "that's when my long standing love affair with German business and banking came to the rescue. With a few close friends we cooked up the entire bribery scandal and then slowly leaked tiny pieces of it to the press. Now that's one cover story that took on a life of its own. It still makes me howl with laughter when I think of how well those Germans played their parts without a single smile on their faces." He rubbed his hands together in delight, bouncing on his toes at the sheer joy of finally relating his tale.
Sir Richard continued, "So with Bernie running the distraction, I worked tirelessly with our Abu Dhabi backers to ensure we could deliver on time. That's when Ferrari stepped up to the plate, and offered boundless support for the good of humanity. We needed to ensure that we had a logical development path for the series. We need to ensure all the teams and fans are going to have a great time for years to come. So first we plan to have the simulators at Ferrari World, with all the drivers, allowing the fans to seem them live, while watching the cars on giant screens, and over the next decade develop toward having fans attend the race circuits in person! So the Ferrari World roller coaster was born as a living test bed for the sort of acceleration required to get guests into orbit. We are then on-schedule to test sealed super-domes at the 2022 Soccer World Cup, and we will then be ready for our first off-world guests in 2030. And to think with this entire massive undertaking, thanks to Bernie's diversion not one of you sniffed it out!" Branson slapped his thigh and laughed as Ecclestone continued.
"So to all of you who have ever wondered What is Bernie's End Game? here it is. My gift to humanity is getting us off Earth, and into the stars where we belong. We will be creating jobs, generating an entire new industry, advancing science, and generating the most remarkable sporting spectacle of all time. As one of my great personal heroes once said: “Now this is pod racing!"
"Questions from the floor?" Asked the FOM media manager.
"What will the new series be called?"
"FormulaBE of course, which stands for Beyond Earth and not Bernie Ecclestone."
"What will the role of the FIA be for the new series?"
"Currently Jean Todt is investigating the jurisdiction of the FIA to have orbital escape velocity lowered as he feels it could be too fast to be safe given the unbounded run off areas. Beyond that we have no idea."
Amid a mix of cheers and shouts of gratitude to Bernie the news conference came to an end.
Since the initial release the FOM press office has confirmed the simulators and drivers will be based at Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi for at least the first ten years. During this period they will be available the week before each race for press calls, to meet the fans, and rides with the children. Virgin Galactic will be taking bookings for off-Earth races commencing December 2016. Bernie can be booked for children's parties via his press office. Finally, the office denied that Hermann Tilke has been approached to build a track on Uranus.
A spokesperson for FOM subsequently told Pitpass. Fans should mark out this day, 1 April 2015, as the day Formula One™, courtesy of its glorious, visionary leader, sought to take a giant step outside the normal parameters and into the unknown... for the fans... and also, to a much lesser extent, CVC and its other shareholders."