04/02/2013
NEWS STORY
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Right.
Loud pulsating music, check. Light show, check. Celebrity MC, check. Uncomfortable seating, check. Dodgy internet connection, check. Team Principal oozing confidence but fully aware this is going to be his last year here, unless... check. Technical Director, going through the motions, desperately awaiting a text message that says he's been headhunted, check. Salaried driver looking awkward outside his comfort zone, check. Pay driver aware that everyone here knows why he really got the drive, check. Goody bags, check. Taki Inoue on Twitter, check.
Of course, we blame Flavio Briatore. For ever since the flamboyant Italian was forced to leave the sport in the wake of the Crashgate scandal, Formula One car launches have never been the same.
It was under 'Loadsamoney' Flav that Benetton, in 1996, had Jean Alessi and Gerhard Berger driving their 1995 cars through the streets of the ancient Sicilian town of Taormina to the 2,000 year old Teatro Greco where the new B196 was unveiled. Then, as Renault boss, Flav unveiled the 2004 R24 at the prestigious opera house, Teatro Massimo, in Palermo, again in Sicily.
Then there was McLaren's do at the Alexander Palace in 1997, the MP4-12 unveiled at a bash that resembled the MTV Awards, hosted by Davina McCall - before she discovered her shouty voice - and featuring Jamiroquai and the Spice Girls.
Even Sauber got in on the act, the Swiss team unveiling the C23 at Red Bull's Hanger 7 with help from men dressed as springs - we kid you not - and even an appearance by The Sugababes (incarnation 278).
Now what do we get? If you're lucky, it's a twenty minute event at the factory, a glass or two of wine, some canapés, a goody bag and a media pack. If you're unlucky, it's ten minutes in the paddock with the rest of the F1 world looking on in barely disguised amusement.
Admit it, car launches are the one time a team gets to stand in the spotlight, the one time to say 'this is us, this is what we do, this is where we want to be'. However, launches are increasingly becoming non-events, with no sense of occasion.
For a sport, despite what they say, awash with money, this is the one opportunity to splash some cash, to enjoy some razzmatazz, to put on a show, but instead these are becoming non-events, participants merely going through the motions.
Thus far, the Lotus launch at Enstone wasn't too bad, though it pales into insignificance compared to the events overseen by Flavio. We saw the car, heard the spiel and went away wondering why they kept the stepped nose.
While the team gets top score in terms of the speed with which it supplied its media pack can we just ask that the whole 'I know what I'm doing' thing is dropped. When Kimi originally said it, it was spontaneous, fresh and original, totally Kimi, which was the whole point. To continue using it reminds us of Bart Simpson's moment of fame as the 'I didn't do it boy'.
Pulsating music and flashing lights would never be allowed in the MTC with Ron in charge, not on your Nelly. You've only got to know about the air pressure system that prevents odours seeping from the canteen (for want of a better word, Ron) and out into the facility to know how seriously such matters are taken in Woking.
Ignoring the two presenters - especially the one who fought manfully with his sleeve as he attempted to ensure his watch was always on display, thereby keeping at least one sponsor happy - McLaren's was the most memorable.
Had it just been Jenson - who with each passing day is morphing into his Tooned character - Checo and the MP4-28, watched by the assembled guests, some of whom seemed to find the activity on the lake of more interest, it might well have been the most bland launch of the lot.
However, the cavalcade of winning F1 machines, led by the mighty McLaren M8D Can-Am car, was something to behold. We are still in two minds about the Bruce McLaren film. Yes, it was moving, truly unique. Yet on the other hand there was something uncomfortable about it.
That said, we know how Ron feels about the history and tradition of McLaren, and there cannot be any mistake as to what the intention was.
While McLaren bared its heart and proudly displayed its history, how sad that Ferrari followed the bland, corporate route. If the guys at Woking can stir the soul by firing up a few engines imagine what their Maranello counterparts could have provided.
Instead, we got the F138, along with an F12berlinetta for the benefit of viewers in China, a number of movies, all bland and corporate, and lots of talk, but no passion, no soul.
It's bad enough at Silverstone on a cold and windy January morning, but when all people really want to know is who is going to be your teammate, you really have to feel for Paul di Resta.
The Scot, who has made no secret of his frustration at losing out at Mercedes and McLaren, put on a brave face as he pulled back the black shroud that covered the VJM06 with the help of, er, Deputy Team Principal, Bob Fernley.
While the subsequent chat saw Fernley, Technical Director Andy Green and Chief Operating Officer Otmar Szafnauer, all look very nervous as they perched upon what appeared to be bar stools, at least the assembled guests and journos actually got to see (and hear) the car running.
Saturday's Sauber launch didn't feature the Sugababes, indeed it didn't feature very much at all. Monisha and the boys went through the motions, while the car, wearing what looked suspiciously like HRT's 2010 livery, also looked very, well Swiss.
Meanwhile, Mercedes was doing its very best to break the internet. What could have been a clever PR stunt - fans using Twitter to open the garage door and thus reveal the F1W04 two days early - merely led to a server meltdown and lots of frustrated fans.
Those who headed to Milton Keynes - never the ideal destination - for the Red Bull launch would have probably been better off heading to the pub to watch the footie.
For what has always been seen as a fun team, the Austrian outfit took 'corporate' and 'bland' to a whole new level. Meanwhile, despite being an unveiling, the showing of its new car, it's interesting that the covers were placed back on the RB9 almost before the applause had died down... in case of any prying eyes.
Reuters Alan Baldwin tweeted that Sebastian Vettel helped himself to a goody bag - probably before he headed off to the local B&Q - which was actually meant for guests. Then again, if you're a three-time world champion who's going to stop you?
In the golden age of tobacco sponsorship, journos would be seen leaving such events weighed down with freebies, which prompts the question, what exactly, if anything, did Surtees give away in 1976?
From here on in, the launches get ever more basic. The car is wheeled into the pitlane or paddock, usually when the sun is at completely the wrong angle. The drivers go through the motions, pretending it's all a big surprise, sitting here, kneeling there, when all they want to be doing is sitting in the bloody thing, racing.
Everyone heads up to the media room or team marquee, questions are asked, predictions made, a bottle of water, maybe a coffee, a cold sausage roll if you're lucky. No canapés.
In these difficult times, when, according to Mr Cameron, 'we're all in this together', F1 cannot be seen to flaunt its wealth. However, one cannot help but feel that it could be putting on more of a show. With the first test just twenty-four hours away, and the first race just forty days, this is when the sport should be cranking up anticipation.
F1 is promoted as the greatest show on earth, maybe its time it looked to other sports and got to work on building the excitement, creating that sense of anticipation, getting people, and not just the die hards, counting down the days until Melbourne.
And maybe the teams can play their part, by giving their car launches a sense of occasion. They've done it before, they can do it again.