21/06/2005
FEATURE BY MIKE LAWRENCE
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Readers of Pitpass are a canny bunch and some had mailed me with their suspicions before the phone rang on Monday afternoon. At the other end of the line was Turk Thrust, permatanned genius behind FOSU (Formula One Script Unit.) Turk had just landed at Gatwick Airport and would I like to crack a lobster at his hotel He said no more, but the way he said nothing left no room for doubt. Turk Thrust was back on the job, we were again in safe hands.
We met in the bar and Turk came straight to the point. "Great race, Indianapolis, do you realise it is only the second race in the entire history of the World Championship where every car that started also finished. No moaning,, no excuses, like had Kimi's suspension held together three more minutes he would have won at the Nürburgring. Ferrari back in contention. If it goes down to the line and Michael takes the title, boy will there be talk."
"Turk," I said, "do I detect your hand in this?"
"I've been working away since March. They finally woke up to the fact they needed Ole Turk, the guy who delivered all those down to the wire Championships of distant memory."
"Indianapolis was a disaster," I said, "a farce,"
Turk said, "Indianapolis was five words beginning with "M", Manufacturers, Muttonheads, Money , Mosley, and Michelin and five Ms spell, Mmmmm and, to me, 'Mmmmm' means I like it."
My buddy warmed to his theme. "I see Hugh Grant taking the Mosley role, Gary Oldman as Bernie, but we have to erase Ron Dennis to make way for Scarlett Johansson. You have a problem with that? Frank Williams? We are going to have to ditch the wheelchair and make him blind instead. Wheelchairs do not play well come the Oscars, but blindness is a shoo in. Okay, Frank is blind, deaf and dumb, like Helen Keller in the movie that won Anne Bancroft her Oscar, and Frank's played by Ed Harris. I knew you'd inspire me."
I said, "Flavio Briatore," but I knew I had already lost. Turk looked at me like I was a simpleton. Turk said, "Are you the only person on the planet who does not know that Flav is CGI? Flav is geek satire, like Max Headroom was a few years back. Flav does not actually exist, any more than Bugs Bunny exists. It used to be said that if Flav did not exist, he'd have to be invented so that's what happened. We're talking to Eddie Murphy to do the voice."
Turk said, "What is the biggest story in Formula One?" I said it must be Indianapolis, Turk said, "Stay with me, Mike, don't become irrelevant. The biggest story in Formula One is who owns it and it is the story nobody has followed.
"Back in March, in a High Court in London, England, a consortium of banks won control of SLEC, which is the mother ship from which FOA, FOM and and FOCA all fly on their different missions. How they are precisely linked and interact is known to very few.
"I know, but if I told you, I'd have to kill you. Hey, we're old friends, it would be quick and painless in your case. And I"d send flowers.
"When the banks won their case, it was expected that they'd sell their shares to the manufacturers who want the GPWC. There are seven of those and seven teams failed to make the start at Indianapolis, see a connection? All seven teams are connected to Michelin, which is French. Does the phrase 'cheese eating surrender monkeys' mean nothing to you?
"Three banks own Formula One, or so they think. Is what they own of greater value after Indianapolis than before? The big story of the year has been about the banks and everyone got sidetracked into thinking it was about BAR. How has this changed Bernie?" Before I could speak, Turk said, "It had not changed him at all. It's business as usual. Tony George, owner of Indianapolis issued a statement after the race and told people where to write to complain. Tony issued the snailmail and e.mail addresses of Michelin, the FIA and FOM, but no banks.
"Ferrari has signed with Bernie for the long haul. Michael and Rubens went to Indianapolis to race and race they did. The teams that did not race are all potentially members of the GPWC, who will have to buy their shares from the banks. When FOCA was set up, and clashed with FISA, the argument came down to this. FISA saw Formula One as the jewel in the crown and argued that the money should permeate down to all levels of the sport. FOCA argued that those putting on the show should share the spoils. Those who were supposed to be putting on the show for Formula One at Indianapolis did not put on a show.
"When did Michelin last go to a race with only one tyre? They usually offer a choice at tracks they've tested on. They haven't tested at Indy, the track surface has changed since last year, there were even indentations to assist grip, when going anticlockwise, and Michelin still took only one tyre? When was that decision taken? Who took that decision and why?
"Remember, Indianapolis was held only days after Max issued a statement calling on manufacturers to cut back and also accept a single tyre company to reduce the amount of testing. Last week, one website was all about letting market forces decide, this week the same site is all about letting the fans have a voice. For the first time ever, one site wants to hear from its readers. It has woken up to the fact that fans matter.
"One of the possible GPWC teams has been excluded for two races, BAR Honda has no points, Minardi now has seven points and Minardi is not a candidate to join GPWC. For the first time in history a guy from Portugal has climbed the steps of the podium and a guy from India has scored World Championship points." Turk paused to let this sink in. "There are 1.2 billion people in India," Turk said, "that's four times the population of the US of A. I have been doing some reading, India alone means that cricket is second only to soccer as a team sport, and baseball is nowhere."
"I have been to a baseball game," I ventured, "Brewers versus Cardinals. I was so bored hat it made me think fondly of cricket."
Turk fixed me with a look. "Are you a Commie?"
I said, "You know all those movies where the guys settle down at a ballgame and buy hot dogs and enjoy them? That is great acting. Nobody can possibly enjoy an American hotdog. The concept is simple, you take a sausage that tastes of sausage and put it in bread that that tastes of bread. You Yanks have not grasped the plot."
Turk dropped his gaze. "Whatever," he said, he knew I was right. Turk resumed, "Just before the US GP, the FIA issued a proposal on cost cutting. One of the main points was it would help independent teams, and how well did the two independent teams do at Indianapolis? Do I hear four places from the top six?
"Most people in America had not even heard of Formula One, now it's all over the media. People were losing interest in baseball then came the steroids scandal. Good hitters became great hitters and the statistics in baseball are sacred. Babe Ruth took stimulants, sure, but made in Lynchburg, Tennessee, by our mutual pal, Jack, a staunch friend at times of stress."
"America has now heard of Formula One. Bet you Limeys never heard much about Martha Stewart?"
"We have our own Domestic Goddesses," I said, thinking of Nigella, of Delia and of Fannie.
"Sure you do, but now you've heard of Martha Stewart because she's served time. Shares in her company have tripled and she's been offered a US$5 million book deal. She is examining TV and movie proposals, and the fact remains that she is a convicted felon, an ex con currently with a security bracelet round an ankle. I bet even now she's thinking how she can make that drab piece of government hardware into an affirmation, a lifestyle statement for all the junkies and bitches who wear them. That's the American way."
"Turk," said I, "The race was a bloody disaster. There were 125,000 people there and even the guys who live within walking distance had to pay $150, minimum, on race day. There were fans from all over the world."
Turk shrugged, "Every one has a gripe, sure, but every single one also has a story to tell. They will be able to tell their grandchildren, 'I was at Indianapolis when only six cars took the start.' Those fans are back at work this week and for the first time in years, they have gone back to their towns with a story to tell. We guessed something was up, the circuit PA kept us in the dark, but some guy was on his cellphone to his cousin in England, Japan, Argentina, Iceland, and he was get the story. Know what, as word was passed along, it was real exciting.
"That is what happened, Mike, am I wrong?"
The build up to the 2005 United States GP was the most intensely interesting hour of Formula One that I can remember. I have said some harsh things about the team from the UK terrestrial channel, ITV. They were thrown a wobbler, but every one of them, even the bimbo. rose to the occasion.
I mentioned that to Turk who said, "Everyone who was at Indianapolis returned home with a story to tell around the water fountain. Last year they merely saw a race. Who came sixth last year? This year they were part of an event. Millions of people crossed the Atlantic by boat, but to have survived the sinking of Titanic meant you never had to pay for a meal again.
"The people who were there will become experts overnight, experts on everything, because they were there when an event occurred. Last year they merely attended a race, this year they were there when a race didn't happen and that, my friend, is news. Back home, every single one of those people is a minor celebrity because he was there when the shit hit the fan."
I like Turk, there is nothing not to like. We spoke for much longer and I recorded it all. I think it best to release Turk Thought in stages, Turk Thought is like a fine whiskey, it is to be sipped, not gulped. There are many loose ends to tie and Turk may help to do just that.
Turk Thrust is a great man, but he is vulnerable. As we parted. I said, "The 1961 Dutch Grand Prix. There were no retirements, but there were no pit stops either."
Turk said, "No pit stops? Back to the drawing board."
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