02/03/2005
FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
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So it's Australian GP time again and I'm about to cash in few days leave, up stakes and temporarily re-locate to a splendid holiday cottage in Melbourne.
Such is my popularity in the workplace that the merest hint of my absence causes concern. OK, mostly it causes cheering and delirium, but all the same, questions are asked. Between the sniggering and merriment, I occasionally even answer them. Even more rarely, conversations actually ensue.
And here I speak not of dyed-in-the-wool hardcore F1 fans, just people who believe what the local papers say and tend to think F1 is worth putting up with if it means their beloved local touring cars come wrapped in the same parcel.
With Webber-mania at fever pitch here, this year's round of interrogation was markedly more intense than ever. Given that I'm sufficiently insecure and unpopular as to leap at any opportunity I might choose to interpret as genuine interest in anything I have to say, today's discussion was a comprehensive one.
Moreover, it occurred to me during the course of this exchange that the vast majority of the planet - Bernie's viewing figures not withstanding - neither care much for, nor vaguely understand Formula One.
What follows in my recollection of the utterings as I stood sagaciously at the centre of a confused group that Mr Ecclestone's product has yet to impress. I think it worth repeating since it's a perspective we sad F1 devotees have long-since lost sight of.
Them: How come you're having holidays?
Me: Going to the GP?
Them: Why do you need days off just to go to the doctor?
Me: No, not GP as in General Practitioner, Grand Prix!
Them: Oh, yeah, that's this weekend isn't it?
Me: Yep.
Them: Right, you're into all that aren't you. Can you get us some free tickets?
Me: Nup!
Them: Bugger, love to see the touring cars.
Me: They're only a support event, the main show is the Formula One Cars.
Them: Really? You sure about that?
Me: Very.
Them: It's just that everyone says more people watch the touring cars.
Me: I'd be careful who say that around. Mr Ecclestone wouldn't be very happy with that statement.
Them: Who?
Me: Never mind.
Them: So Mark Webber's gonna win then?
Me: I'm not so sure about that.
Them: But it was on the TV last night. He's a lot faster than that German cheat.
Me: Forgetting for a moment any notions you might hold about Mr Michael...
Them: But he does cheat doesn't he? We all saw it in Adelaide years ago.
Me: Whatever.
Them: So if they can stop him from cheating, Mark's gonna win right?
Me: Not exactly that simple.
Them: Why?
Me: Well, for a start, Mark himself has recently suggested that his car may not be fast enough.
Them: Yeah, course he would, he's Australian and we don't brag.
Me: He might be speaking the truth.
Them: Rubbish, He's in a Williams. Whatshisname Jones won in one of them. Must be good!
Me: Not exactly that simple, things change very quickly in Formula...
Them: And so did that Canadian bloke with the funny accent - Jack somebody
Me: True but...
Them: And he's as good as Australian, remember was going out with those two singers that were Australian.
Me: Look, being Australian or close to it and driving for Williams doesn't assure you a win.
Them: Why?
Me: Well, F1 is pretty complicated. You could be a really good driver but if you're not it a top team, you're going to struggle to win.
Them: But Williams is a top team.
Me: They have been but recently they've not been at their best and...
Them: Yeah, but the bloke in the wheelchair is pretty smart.
Me: True enough, but even if Williams are a top team, race by race there's a lot more to it.
Them: Oh yeah, all that pitstop strategy and stuff. Putting on tyres at the right time.
Me: Well, actually that's changed a bit this year.
Them: What, isn't all car racing run under the same rules?
Me: Er, no.
Them: So what's the deal with tyres?
Me: They have to run the same tyres for the whole race and they also have to...
Them: What? That's rubbish! Why are they making them do that?
Me: Er, well, to save money.
(laughter breaks out)
Them: Formula One save money? Rubbish!
Me: It's true, and not only that, now they have to use the same engine all weekend. In fact they have to use the same engine for two race weekends.
Them: They only get one race out of an engine?
Me: They used to.
Them: And they used different engines over the same weekend?
Me: Ah, yeah.
Them: And now they're trying to save a few bucks on a few sets of tyres?
Me: Well, the idea is that they're saving money on the engines too.
Them: Hang on, I saw a few races last year and the only time they pass is when they go into the pits, now that they don't get to change tyres, there won't be any passing!
Me: There will still be pitstops for fuel.
Them: If they're so keen on saving money, why not make them build engines that can run a whole race without needing fuel.
Me: It's not that simple.
Them: About ten percent of our wages go to petrol, are you really trying to tell us that better fuel economy wouldn't save them money.
Me: Well, it probably would but not much. The cost of fuel is only a tiny part of a Formula One team's budget.
Them: Hang on. All these car makers in F1 are trying to tell us how much better road cars they make because they do all this development in F1 and you're saying they can't even make a few hundred miles on a single tankfull?
Me: Well, it's just not that simple.
Them: So you're saying that a really good driver can't win unless he's in a good car...
Me: Even then they have to get the setup right.
Them: The what? What's setup?
Me: Well, that's a bit complicated.
Them: Don't tell us, let us guess, it's not that simple, right?
Me: Well it isn't. You have to have the right tyre choice, figure out good suspension settings, trim the aerodynamics of the car...
Them: Aerodynamics? They're bloody cars, not aeroplanes!
Me: Actually, they probably have more in common with aeroplanes than cars.
Them: So how do you get the right setup?
Me: Not all that simple...
Them: We guessed that.
Me: It's a combination of data from the car's computer systems, historical data of a given track, software that simulates the car and the track, wind tunnel testing and...
Them: Do they ever ask the driver?
Me: Well, sort of, but the data systems are sort of more accurate...
Them: Well then why don't they let the data systems drive the car and sack the drivers? That would save a lot of money wouldn't it?
Me: It's not that simp...
Them: SHUTUP!!
Me: But the driver still plays a big part of the...
Them: On the TV last night, they said that the cars have kind of automatic gearboxes where you just have to pull some lever and they have traction control and they have launch control and active diffs and all this other sfuff. What does the driver do? Just steer?
Me: No, um, er, the driver still makes a huge difference...
Them: What difference? Do the teams just hire the best cheat to run the software?
Me: No, and the rules about some of the driver aids have also...
Them: Driver aids? Is that a disease?
Me: I'm starting to think so.
Them: And we know what it costs to buy software, why don't they get rid of all that if they're so keen on saving money?
Me: Um, don't know.
Them: So in the end, they're spending a heap of money on software and wind tunnels and simulations and stuff to make the car faster and make the driver less important and at the same time, they're claiming that by getting rid of tyre changes...
Me: aaaah...
Them: Tyre changes that were actually the only time anyone got to pass anyone, and making engines last a whopping whole two weekends...
Me: Eeeer...
Them: Even then we're talking about engines that seem to have the sort of fuel economy that would see the average bloke screaming at the dealer who sold him the car. And all this is supposed to save money...
Me: Actually...
Them: So we wind up with less pitstops therefore less passing, engines with crap fuel economy, electronic stuff that means more than a driver...
Me: I'd like to say...
Them: And all this because somebody thinks the teams need to save a few bucks...
Me: That's the idea...
Them: And all the while, we're expected to pay about three times the price of ticket for a touring car race to watch cars that apparently aren't really driven by drivers, not pass each other. And we're supposed to be impressed by that?
Me: Actually...
Them: Are you sure you can't get us some free tickets?
Me: Why? I thought you just made it clear that you didn't think much of the sport?
Them: Yeah, but if we get in for nothing, it would be really cool to watch the touring cars.
Me: Well, if you do go, you should probably hang around until the Formula Fords get on the track just before sunset.
Then: Why?
Me: Because then you get to see a bunch of really talented, enthusiastic kids in cars that are pretty cheap to run, have no aerodynamics, run an entire year on the same engine, make tyres last for months and they do all kinds of unusual stuff like race hard without pitstop strategy ruining it and pass each other and go through corners four abreast and...
Them: So why isn't that the main event at Melbourne? It sounds great.
Me: You'd probably have to ask Mr Ecclestone that.
Them: Who?
Me: He's the, oh, never mind.
Them: Why doesn't Formula One just try and copy Formula Ford then?
Me: Because it's not that si...
Them: DON'T SAY IT!!
(At this point, I sneakily dial my mobile phone from a nearby handset, excuse myself from my interrogators and skulk out wondering how much more entertaining F1 might be if it was left in the hands of my office mates)