20/07/2004
FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
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In the eyes, of the Alternative Championship Headquarters (ACHQ), F1 runs not on money, oil derivatives, broadcast rights or even tobacco fumes. Rather, in this era at least, we reckon that which breathes on-going life into F1 is characterised by the most vile four letter word we know, sp*n.
And those who regularly supplement their legitimate literary intake with our offerings will be well aware of our disdain for those despicable, demonic, detached dealers in disinformation - sp*n doctors.
For the benefit of anyone yet to suffer the assault and battery of the sensibilities that is our column, we hate sp*n and we hate the charlatans who pedal it. Interesting to note that though these repugnant reprobates have generally not completed a Doctoral Thesis - not one in anything vaguely meaningful at least - they seem to delight in spuriously conferring upon themselves, the collective title of 'doctors'.
For the benefit of those who have possibly been locked in a basement cellar these last few decades, sp*n is the colloquial term, applied to the liberal re-telling of facts in such a way as to deliberately distort reality, typically with a view to protecting the guilty. Sp*n doctors', author this mischief. Nameless and faceless, it is they who craft the propagandist corporatist platitudes so inexorably embedded into the modern press release.
For the final benefit of those who still don't get it, sp*n is bullsh*t and sp*n doctors are bullsh*tters.
The reason sp*n serves F1 so well is because F1 is possibly the ultimate "boys club" structure - a truly closed shop if ever there was one. You see, almost every soul involved in F1 is well remunerated - perhaps many times more so than they might be in some other, infinitely less opulent, though equally valid, field of commerce.
From the team owners and their staff to the media and even the governments seduced into hosting Grands Prix, with very few exceptions, it suites almost nobody's vested interests to deliver cold, hard, objective facts. Because in our humble view, truth is F1 is presently boring as bat sh*t and if that fact isn't suppressed with extreme prejudice, the whole house of cards will likely come tumbling down.
Lest you think we're getting carried away here, permit us to cite a few of the more obvious, recent cases which spring to mind.
Recalcitrant Ron, investing countless hours talking up of a series of lacking McLarens, is sp*n. He does so because he has convinced sponsors to shovel money into his pocket as fast as they can. Whatsoever he's told them in order to achieve this enviable stream of income, he certainly can't tell them the result of their rabid spending is a farcical series of velocity-impaired crap-trucks, at least one of which never even saw a Grand Prix.
When Jabbering James Allen tells the global audience who suffer through ITV's feed of F1 that "this is a cracking race" and that it is held at a track "where drivers really can overtake", he's pedalling sp*n. He is doing so because his lifeblood is F1 and he is therefore bound to talk it up, lest his not-inconsiderably though thoroughly undeserved stipend, wain.
And yep, chances are when Jaguar glue a diamond to the nose cone of their car, then promptly lose it, thus assuring reams of publicity from global news feeds of the story, that's probably sp*n too. Given the car they've produced for this season, anything that deflects attention away from results is likely to benefit the team.
Naturally, the temptation to go on singling out examples is strong, but no matter how thoroughly we enjoy the exercise, we'll just stop now.
Make no mistake, we've nothing against anyone making a buck. What we object to is the insulting way those on the receiving-end of the goodies opt to duplicitously dress-up their world. Indeed if you think about it, the mere fact that they feel the need to do so, seems to affirm an awareness of exactly what's wrong with the sport - and that just makes it all the worse in our eyes.
Of course we can freely say all of this because pitpass, and therefore the ACHQ, do not rely on Bernie-stamped media passes in order to exist. Threats to revoke our access to the F1 paddock or its palatial cousin, The Paddock Club, hold no sway with us because we've never been there.
Proudly, we are not on the venerated 'gravy train' and if total compliance to the myth of the wonderful state of F1 is the price of a boarding pass on that particularly disdainful combination of bejewelled locomotive and plush carriages, we'd just as soon walk.
Anyway, we're old, crusty and cynical, so spotting sp*n, comes easily to us. For the less embittered among you, we've decided to give over this edition of the AC to a critical examination of the post British GP offerings of the drivers and teams, with a view to speculatively interpreting - for the benefit you loyal readers - the meaning behind these veils of sp*n.
Drivers
10 points - Kimi Raikkonen:
"Although we didn't win today it was an exciting race, and second is a great result for the entire team.
I came second. I'd rather win.
All the hard work that went into the development of the MP4-19B has paid off.
I'm not really sure what car this is. I think Ron said something about it being an MP4-18ish-19ish-20ish-Aish-Bish something or other.
I made a very good start and was able to push throughout the race.
I'm stoked, I finished a race.
Unfortunately I had a bit of traffic after my pit stops, but that's racing.
I had traffic after my pit stops and Michael never does. I hate that!
I struggled with the balance on the rear with my last set of tyres and as a result it wasn't possible to attack harder and pass Michael in my last stint.
I do not have a Ferrari. Therefore Michael beat me!
The outcome of today's race is very motivating for the team after the bad first half of the season.
Considering that I told Ron I was going to burn down his new factory, I'm not surprised things have improved.
6 points - Giancarlo Fisichella:
"I was so confident in my car today!
Why the @#$ can't I score a drive with a decent team.
I knew that I had a very quick one and when I was running on my own it was fantastic.
Maybe it would help if the races were more like qualifying? Other cars on the track really stuff up a decent lap.
Early on I was able to overtake several cars that were carrying less fuel than I was.
Get this! I passed other cars!
At the end I lost time in my final stop as the mechanics topped up my engine's pneumatics, and without that I would easily have beaten Montoya.
Read what you like in the press, this ain't no Ferrari engine.
Honestly, the car is really good and I am very encouraged that we have made such a big step forward.
I think Frank and Patrick noticed me.
Today I had the best car I have had all season, so thanks to the whole team.
Today I still wasn't in a car that could win. But maybe after today I might be?
=4 points - Jenson Button:
We came into this race expecting a lot more than we've been able to deliver; today's race performance was nowhere near our testing performance earlier in the year.
Things seem to be getting back to normal at Brackley.
We really struggled with a lack of grip compared to the Ferraris and it was like we were in a different race in terms of the way our car was handling.
It was just like Jacques said it used to be in the old days.
Our pace showed that we weren't as quick today as we were at the start of the season.
Maybe the only thing that has made us look good so far is the grunt of that Honda.
Somehow we've managed to drop behind a bit which is very disappointing, particularly in front of our home crowd.
My girlfriend is still more famous than me. I can't tell you much I hate that.
We've got a lot of work to do now ahead of the German Grand Prix in two weeks' time.
I have several modelling jobs before the German GP.
We should be able to expect better traction in Hockenheim than we experienced here and a stronger performance generally from our new car developments.
If things don't change, I'm going to start putting drawing pins on people's chairs at the factory.
=4 points - Olivier Panis:
Starting from 17th on the grid, it was never going to be easy today, but the race finished far too early for me when my fire extinguisher exploded in the car just after my first scheduled pit stop.
What say I run around the factory unloading fire extinguishers onto people's desks and see how they like it?
The spray went everywhere, on the steering wheel and on my visor, which meant I couldn't see anything and I ended up in the gravel.
I'm not joking. I have already purchased the fire extinguisher and it's a really frothy one.
A bad end to a difficult weekend, but I am looking forward to trying the TF104B, the car with which we will race in Hockenheim in two weeks' time.
I wonder what will go wrong at Hockenheim?
3 points - Fernando Alonso:
I think we could have done better today but we missed the opportunity to pit straight after Jarno's accident.
I think my crew take naps between my pit stops.
We only had two corners in which to react, but we didn't manage to - otherwise, I could have been in the points.
Actually, I'm certain they do.
Having said that, when you start from the back you know that it will be a hard race.
I hate that stupid one-engine rule.
I was held up by traffic in every stint, first behind Heidfeld, then Webber, then Da Matta.
I wish we had a formula that allowed you to pass when you're shed-loads faster than the plodders in front of you.
I only did a few laps on my own, but when I did I was very quick, and the car balance was good.
I know you told me not to drop these hints Bernie but I really, really, really, hate these stupid rules. I wish I was born twenty years earlier.
But today, circumstances prevented us from making the most of our speed.
But today, the naff rules robbed both the fans and me of some decent racing.
2 points - Mark Webber:
It's fantastic to have scored a point here today for the team. It's their home race and they have done an amazing job in providing me with a fast reliable car.
At last, something other than lost diamonds to talk about.
The R5 has been good all weekend to be honest and after France this is exactly what we were working towards, another two cars across the grid and a point to boot.
Finally, Jaguar have achieved the reliability and pace of the car I used to deliver pizzas in.
We know Silverstone very well and we opted for a two-stop strategy and this seems to have been the right decision today.
This track is in our back yard and if we couldn't get it right, we'd be as bad as Jaguar - oops, we are Jaguar.
I made a good start off the grid and I enjoyed a great battle with the Renault of Fernando Alonso and also the Sauber of Felipe Massa.
In a car like I've got, I love the crap-arsed rules that make passing nearly impossible no matter how much faster you are.
Both were on my tail for most of the race and it was good to keep them at bay and get the last available point.
I love you Bernie - until I get my bum into something faster.
I am now off testing next week in Jerez ahead of the German Grand Prix when again we will be looking to keep up this momentum of being reliable with a good race pace.
I just hope there are no new Hollywood blockbusters in need of tawdry promotion before the German GP.
1 point Nick - Heidfeld:
I nearly got by Klien at the start but he touched me at the first corner and I had a little winglet broken on the left hand side of the car - it didn't actually seem to have a big influence on the aerodynamics.
Bits fall off my car and it doesn't make a difference. What does that tell you about this team?
The beginning was not easy as I had quite a lot of fuel on board which I think was evident as I was one of the last cars to stop.
I stopped after most of the other cars. This masked the overall slowness of the Jordan.
Overall it paid off in terms of our race time but our problem is that we are just too slow.
Newsflash, our car is very slow.
0 points - Michael Schumacher:
I am amazed at how the race went.
I won again, which is hardly a surprise to me.
I thought we had a good strategy, where to a certain extent, we sacrificed qualifying for the race, but I never expected it to pay out so early.
Still, I can't believe that I didn't lead the whole race.
I was not worried by Kimi's pace at the start because I knew my strategy and even if he had been ahead after my second stop I would not have worried as he had to come in again.
Honestly, as if a McLaren could beat me?
I did not want to overdo it and just let the potential of the car do the work.
Of course you must understand that Bernie told me not to win by too much.
The car was going so well when I had an open track.
This sure beats a 9 to 5 job.
I lost a comfortable lead with the Safety Car and so I was lucky to have two cars between me and Kimi.
I could have killed Jarno.
The Safety Car was going very slowly and that meant after it went in, I had to fight hard for a couple of laps until my tyres came good and then I was able to pull out a lead again.
All in all another boring win but the safety car did make it a bit interesting.
-1 point - Juan Pablo Montoya:
I am satisfied with today's outcome.
I am about as satisfied with today's outcome as I am at having to drive a McLaren next season. Although the car is not quick enough, it worked pretty well and I believe we got the best out of it today.
I made that slug-mobile look a lot better than it really is today.
At the start I made a mistake, releasing the clutch too quickly and it cost me a position to Sato then I tried to keep pushing but it was not possible to catch those in front.
Oh, and I duffed another start.
When the safety car came out, the team did a great job by calling me in and I had a perfect pit-stop.
Against all odds, they called me in at the right time and didn't botch my stop.
However, back on the track the backmarkers were frustrating and I lost a lot of time.
Bernie told me I can't say that even though my car is heaps faster than the backmarkers, I can't pass them because of the stupid rules so I'll just say what he wants to hear.
-2 points -Rubens Barrichello:
I had a good race but a tough one although I feel I had made the right choice of strategy at the time.
Another day, another goofed strategy.
After the start it was clear that Kimi's tyres had warmed up quicker and I found it really difficult to match his pace, then I caught him up and was able to pull away from Button.
Did I mention that I goofed on strategy?
But after the first pit stop the car felt heavy and I struggled again.
After the first pit stop, I once again regretted letting Michael win that race in Austria.
I also got stuck behind four or five cars fighting for position and that probably lost me second place and maybe the win.
Still, I like deluding myself that I can beat Michael.
I have to say Michael did a superb job to win on two stops.
I have to say Michael rarely goofs on strategy.
When the Safety Car came out, the race was alive again, but again immediately after my last pit stop I could not push as hard as I wanted and I could not pass Kimi as although I was quicker in the first sector, he was faster in the third.
Kimi beat me because I was not as fast as him.
-3 points - Jarno Trulli:
First of all, I want to let everybody know that I am OK.
In case anybody cares, I'm OK.
It was a big accident but I gave the marshals the thumbs up straight away.
The marshals didn't seem to care much either.
Everything happened very quickly, but I think it was a rear suspension failure.
If it was a suspension failure, I swear I'm going to sabotage every single car in car park at Enstone and see how they like it!
However, we will only be able to confirm that when we get back to the factory.
They better not bullsh*t me either!
Even before the crash, though, things were not going well.
My race sucked anyway.
I was very heavy in the first two stints but even taking that into account, I was struggling to be quick.
I've put on a few pounds lately. I wonder if that's the problem.
The car was tricky to drive, and I had trouble holding position.
Hey, you try driving an F1! It's really hard.
= -4 points - Christian Klien:
This was not an easy race for me but I am very pleased to have finished.
What a glorious day, I finished and I wasn't sacked.
My start was not perfect as I lost a place to the Jordan of Pantano but fortunately I was in a position to fight back and soon overtook him on lap four.
Jordans are so slow, they can be overtaken, even with these rules.
The car was feeling really good out there and it has great pace over a long distance.
Pity we can't run this car at Le Mans.
The team has prepared it very well for me and I am glad that I could finish for them here at their home race.
I have to say the car was much more shiny than I've ever seen before.
Unfortunately I did get blue-flagged a couple of times and once the safety car was deployed it was even more difficult to move up the grid as I had to keep moving over for the blue-flags.
Of course being in a Jaguar, I get to see a lot of blue flags.
Overall, however, an encouraging race.
Overall, just another crap weekend.
I will now focus on testing and look forward to the German Grand Prix in two weeks time.
My contract says I have to drive it again in Germany. But if I'm lucky, I'll get sacked.
= -4 points - Marc Gene:
I had an average start, and Da Matta passed me, but I overtook him again in turn two.
I've had a pretty average F1 career and today was no exception.
I tried to be aggressive from the start and in the first part of the race I fought with Alonso, but we were running at the same pace and it was impossible to get ahead.
Everone thinks Alonso is great and I was right behind him for a while.
Alonso just passed me in the first pit-stop and from then on it was just a matter of fighting with Sato and Da Matta with our pit strategy as I simply didn't have the pace to improve my track position.
I simply don't have enough pace.
However, the backmarkers hampered me a lot. Depending on the set of tyres, the car's balance varied but overall it wasn't too bad.
However my fellow backmarkers hampered me a lot. Depending on the set of tyres, the car's balance varied but overall that doesn't explain my result.
= -6 points - David Coulthard:
Congratulations to Kimi on a great drive.
I hate that little Finnish git.
Unfortunately despite the MP4-19B's obvious progress I'm not happy about my own performance today.
I just know Ron is giving Kimi gets a better car.
During practice and the race I was struggling with the balance of my car, and I didn't feel comfortable especially in the slow corners.
Or maybe I just felt slow in all the corners?
We will be testing here at Silverstone on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I will work hard to sort out my set-up problems in order to be much more competitive at the next race at Hockenheim.
Must be about time to start talking up my championship chances for 2005.
= -6 points - Felipe Massa:
You know, I could be really disappointed because I had a car that should have scored points today, but I am also very happy because we have made such an improvement in its behaviour.
I am really disappointed.
It was very fast and consistent all race.
To my amazement, when I turned the steering wheel, it responded.
Then I had what I think was a software problem in my stop on lap 38, and initially I couldn't get first gear.
Then things returned to normal.
Towards the end when I was challenging Webber I deliberately dropped back a little and then really pushed him hard in the closing laps.
I was bored stupid so I yo-yoed to and fro behind Webber in order to stay awake.
My car was much faster than his, but overtaking is always very difficult here.
Everyone else is taking veiled shots at this crap-arsed boring formula so why shouldn't I?
= -10 points - Cristiano da Matta:
In the circumstances, I think I drove a good race, but obviously I am not pleased with my eventual 13th place.
If I say I'm wrapt to wind up 13th, you'll all realise that I'm well out of my depth.
I got held up a lot just before the safety car period, which cost me around ten seconds and we then lost ground because the three-stopping cars were able to use the safety car to their advantage.
Some of the guys who are way faster than me blame the safety car for their results so I will too.
These things conspired against me and I subsequently dropped one lap from Gene and Sato with whom I was fighting.
There is a conspiracy against me. I think it's the CIA.
With our revised car, I hope we will not have to endure a race affected by blue flags, as has been the case far too often this season.
I seem to talk a lot about blue flags.
= -10 points - Giorgio Pantano:
I had a very good start and my first stint wasn't too bad.
I didn't crash or blow up in the first stint. Cool huh?
The second or third lap after my first stop I had a spin, I'm not sure if that was my mistake or the rear of the car just locking.
Sometimes, I have trouble telling the grass from the asphalt.
I flat-spotted the rear tyres and started to experience some vibration on the car and it was very slippery until my second stop.
Did you know that panic braking is the leading cause of tyre flat spots?
The last stint was not too bad and the balance started to come back but then I spun off again, the same thing as before, under hard braking.
Then, whadda ya know? I did it again.
I don't know if I went too far onto the grass or whether rear locking caused me to get onto the grass.
I think you all saw what I did but what say I crack dumb and hope for the best?
Constructors
10 Points - Minardi (Paul Stoddart):
I'm deeply touched by the level of support Minardi has received this weekend. It really does show that Formula One is far more of a family than people realise, but most importantly, it shows just how popular a figure John Walton was in the F1 community. As for today's race, Minardi got one car to the chequered flag, thus bringing to a conclusion what has been an enormously difficult weekend. I'm sure most people will understand that we have had a great deal on our minds, and I'm truly proud of the effort the whole team has put in.
ACHQ Editorial note - include publication: As a mark of respect for John Walton and his loved ones, and indeed an acknowledgement of the dignified manner in which Paul Stoddart conducted himself in this context over the weekend, we're leaving this team alone - Rob and Crompo
6 Points - Sauber (Peter Sauber):
The whole weekend things went against us: first there was Giancarlo's engine problem on Friday morning, then Felipe's problem in qualifying, then Felipe being stuck all race behind the Jaguar, and Giancarlo's engine losing air pressure.
This weekend was a real bitch and there's no point dressing it up any other way.
But to be able still to score three points with all these circumstances is a strong performance that is down to our new aerodynamic package, two very good drivers and very good tyres.
So for us to wind up with a decent bag of points is great and I'd be a big dirty 'liar liar pants on fire' if I didn't give credit to those who deserve it.
4 points - Renault (Flavio Briatore):
Although today's overall result is disappointing, we are all pleased that Jarno is OK after his accident.
Jarno is OK.
This complicates my negotiations for next season.
It was frustrating to see Fernando come so close to scoring points, but he was never able to run in clean air at full speed.
There is a lot of pollution here. Also, Fernando was stuck behind a bunch of plodders.
This wasn't our best circuit though - we will be hoping to do better in Germany.
It won't be hard to do better in Germany.
3 points - WilliamsF1 (Sam Michael):
It was an encouraging race in terms of getting some points on the board, but obviously we have a lot of work ahead of us to improve the car.
Luckily, you get points down to eighth now.
Our strategy helped Juan to move up the field and the pit crew did a good job.
Thank God we got at least one car in the points.
From where Marc was in the field it was difficult to make progress and although his ultimate lap time wasn't bad, it was not quick enough to make it into the points.
I never thought I'd be wishing for Ralf be back in the car.
I hope Jarno Trulli is okay after his accident.
I'd like to thank Jarno Trulli for the pace car.
= -10 points - Ferrari (Jean Todt):
I think that the fact Trulli emerged unscathed from such a terrible accident is due primarily to the quality of work carried out by the FIA under the presidency of Max Mosley and that of the teams in terms of safety.
Max is supposed to be going. I suppose I should find a way of saying something nice about him.
The arrival of the Safety Car after this accident practically cancelled out all the advantage that Michael's different strategy had produced.
That stupid little twat nearly wrecked our race.
This was because all those behind were able to make their third and final pit stop without losing time to him.
In case you are a moron, you know, the sort of person who believes what James Allen says, we two-stopped and everybody else got a free pits stop because of Trulli.
From lap 45 onwards therefore we witnessed something of a sprint race, which went in Michael's favour.
None the less, Michael is still way better than those other losers.
It was a very exciting afternoon and the result comes from all the hard work of the team, from the car, the drivers and the Bridgestone tyres.
After the pasting I gave Bridgestone last year, I better mention them now too.
Michael's tenth win from eleven races is a unique achievement in the history of Formula 1.
Do you have any idea how good we are?
Rubens continued his run of being the only driver to have finished all races in the points, having now done so eleven times in a row, nine of them on the podium.
Rubens continues not to be Michael.
Michael has hit the 100 point mark, 9 more than in the whole of last season.
In the absence of real competitors, Michael now has to amuse himself by racing against his previous seasons.
The team now has a 95 point lead over its nearest rival and these figures mean we can approach the remaining seven races of the season with optimism.
Really, do you have any idea how good we are?
We are also happy with the performance of the Sauber drivers in this race as it is particularly nice to see four Ferrari engines in the top nine.
Sauber did well enough for me to mention that it's supposedly our engine.
-10 points - McLaren (Ron Dennis):
Our underlying performance strengthens our belief that we have made a significant step forward.
I'm constantly overwhelmed by the urge to invoke big words and, in so doing, elongate and confuse otherwise simplistic though intrinsically absurd statements.
Kimi's qualifying and our general race pace are not so far behind where it needs to be in order to win.
I wonder if you could help me here. If I talk about 'Kimi's qualifying and our general race pace', is it permissible to then refer to these plural concepts as 'it' or would I just sound like a total dick if I did that?
This week we have intensive simultaneous tests at Silverstone and Jerez which should yield a little more pace, which we of course will carry forward to Hockenheim.
I just love the word 'simultaneous', don't you? Intensive is kinda cool too.
In the end our weekend is a great boost for the entire team who have worked so hard to achieve the difficult targets that we had.
We had a decent result here. Just as well, otherwise I was going to make good those threats to start sacking people.
= -10 points - BAR (David Richards):
We came here with the objective of securing a podium and it's obviously disappointing for both the team and all the British fans that we weren't able to deliver on our ambition.
I'm really crapped off.
Nonetheless, it was positive to have a solid performance from Jenson and further points to consolidate the team's third position in the Constructors' Championship and Jenson's third place in the Drivers' standings.
I'm so glad the guy who ghost writes this drivel isn't as moribund as I am and actually found something good to say.
The engine upgrade and further car developments we will introduce at the next race should help to maintain our momentum.
Naturally, I don't mean our current momentum backwards down the finishing order, rather some other, hitherto little-understood momentum. But still, I think momentum is a very positive word.
The thing I'll remember most about this weekend is the enormous support we have received from the fans and we will continue to do our utmost to ensure they have something to cheer about during the rest of the season.
The thing I'll remember most about this weekend is that I actually caught site of a fan. You know, the real thing. The guy who queues for hours, pays for his own ticket and despite the boredom, remains devoted to the sport. Luckily, security got him and he was dragged screaming and kicking back to the barren, outer wastelands of Silverstone where he so clearly belongs. Thankfully, none of my sponsors saw him.
= -10 points - Jaguar (Dr Mark Gillan):
Today was another good day for us on track.
We did not run any absurd publicity stunts today and we managed a point. Perhaps there is a lesson in that for us?
This is the first time that the team has scored a Championship point at the home race so this is good news for us.
The people who think up our absurd publicity stunts were very depressed before the race as a result of not having thought up any demeaning schemes. They were buoyed to learn that a championship point can be scored in spite of this.
Since France last weekend we have continued to chip away at improving the R5's performance and to see both cars finish once again and one in the points is great.
Having done my best to divert team funds away from the publicity stunt department and towards things that make the car go faster and finish races, we managed to look slightly more like an F1 team than a Hollywood movie launch company.
Mark made a strong start off the grid and maintained his position for pretty much most of the race.
Mark has remarkable talent for flattering our crap-truck.
His eighth finish is a good indicator that we have a reliable car that has pace to match the rest of the field.
Suspend for a moment, if you will, all belief in reality and allow me to suggest that finishing eighth is akin to taking the fight up to Ferrari.
Christian lost a place at the start but pulled it back quickly, although he then started to suffer from blue flags later in the race.
While you are still in another dimension of reality, I'd like you to accept that Christian's constant exposure to blue flags as a result of being a lap down, robbed us of a podium finish.
His pace in clean air was encouraging and he did a good job to bring the car home.
When not being blue-flagged, Christian was less slow than might otherwise be expected given that he's driving our car.
Our partners Michelin, Cosworth Racing and Pi research have really supported us this weekend and I am pleased that we have a point in the bag to show for all our hard work.
I think it perfectly reasonable to infer that a bazillion bucks of Ford money in return for solitary point at the British GP, is a wonderful and self-justifying thing.
= -10 points - Toyota (Tsutomu Tomita):
A difficult race for Olivier.
Let me begin by stating the bleeding obvious.
He was the only Michelin runner to run with the softer of the two compounds, something we decided as a team after the inconclusive results from Friday practice.
We had no idea what tyres to run so we tossed a coin. I think we will use a less random method in future.
However, they simply didn't perform in his first stint, which prevented him from making up the positions he had to.
I cannot overstate the perils of choosing tyres on the toss of a coin.
After his second stop, the fire extinguisher went off and he had to retire.
Personally, I suspect Olivier deliberately set off his fire extinguisher as a clever way of ending an otherwise perfectly horrid race.
Cristiano had a much more positive race and could have fought with some of the cars running a three-stop strategy.
I would dearly love you to believe in Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and Cristiano's ability to be competitive but for strategy.
He lost time stuck behind some backmarkers, which under the safety car resulted in him losing one lap against those cars with whom he should have been racing.
In a twist of irony, I'd like to not only suggest that Christiano was not a backmarker, but also that those other backmarkers ruined his race.
We now look ahead to Hockenheim where we have our revised TF104B car for the first time.
At Hockenheim, we'll be running a car that we think would have done very well about three years ago.
The German Grand Prix will be a bit of a test session for us, as we are not running most parts prior to the race, but we are confident that we can overcome our recent troubles and make steady progress up the grid.
I would like to close by asking you to forget all the noises we made about running a full year of testing so we'd be competitive before entering F1, and trust that, even without fresh Ferrari blueprints, we can cease to embarrass ourselves.
= -10 points - Jordan (James Robinson):
Both drivers got good starts, although Nick got squeezed out at the first corner and then it was just a hard race from there.
Both of our drivers made it off the line which pleases us more than you can imagine.
We were on a two-stop strategy based on the strength of the Bridgestone tyre and unfortunately for us the safety car helped the cars on three stops towards the end of the race.
We are very pleased to have been able to keep up with the pace car.
It's a shame that Giorgio's mistake in locking up the brakes and losing the car at Abbey ended his race.
It is a shame that we hired Giorgio. Does anyone have Verstappen's mobile number?
On the positive side it was it good to see Trulli walk away from such a horrific accident and that is a tribute to the safety of F1.
We are part of F1, therefore we can claim that our car is at least safe, if not very fast.
From our point of view, at the end of the day the car's not quick enough to compete for point-scoring places and we need to work on that.
For the last time, would all benefactors please ensure that cheques are made payable to the team, rather than to Eddie Jordan personally.
Standings - Drivers (& Special Cases)
33 points - Fernando Alonso (Spain)
30 points - Jenson Button (UK)
20 points - Michael Schumacher (Germany)
13 points - Jarno Trulli (Italy)
13 points - Mark Webber (Australia)
12 points - Takuma Sato (Japan)
12 points - Giancarlo Fisichella (Italy)
12 points - Kimi Raikkonen (Finland)
4 points - Felipe Massa (Brazil)
2 points - Christian Klien (Austria)
2 points - Olivier Panis (France)
1 point - Timo Glock (Germany)
0 points - Gianmaria Bruni (Italy)
-4 points - Marc Gene (Spain)
-4 points - Zsolt Baumgartner (Hungary)
-5 points - Nick Heidfeld (Germany)
-10 points - Giorgio Pantano (Italy)
-13 points - Juan-Pablo Montoya (Colombia)
-18 points - Rubens Barrichello (Brazil)
-21 points - Christiano da Matta (Brazil)
-26 points - Ralf Schumacher (Germany)
-44 points - David Coulthard (UK)
-1000 points - U.S. Grand Prix Organisers (USA)
Standings - Constructors
34 points - Renault
20 points - BAR
14 points - WilliamsF1
12 points - Ferrari
7 points - Minardi
0 points - Sauber
-21 points - McLaren
-37 points - Jaguar
-53 points - Toyota
-54 points - Jordan
To check out previous features from the Alternative Championship, click here