05/07/2004
FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
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If you, like us at the Alternative Championship Headquarters (ACHQ), are prone to bouts of narcolepsy, to fits of pique, to lapses of memory and to sporadic bursts of anger, then you will be forgiven, as we hope you will forgive us, for missing the last three rounds of the FIA Formula 1 World Championship. If you, like us at the ACHQ, sometimes rely on the benefit of modern recording technology, or second-hand accounts from Max's ubiquitous "man-down-the-pub" to catch up on global politics, the world of patchwork-quilting and the latest results of Formula 1, then you too will be forgiven, as we hope you will forgive us, for mistakenly assuming that only one Grand Prix had been run since our unfortunate bout of narcolepsy rendered us more useless than usual.
Pitpass Editorial note - include for publication: "More useless than usual"? That seems a tad hard to fathom - Ed
Our fall from Grace (apologies to Grace for having climbed on top of her in the first place) started in the week leading up to the European Grand Prix. Having completed the mountain of work expected of two lazy and ineffective layabouts, we naturally celebrated by adjourning to our local, the Plumbers Arms, in search of amber and ample refreshment. What followed is hazy at best and a complete fog at worst, suffice to say that some four weeks later we are still feeling the side-effects of a night of ill-judged, poorly executed and at times, downright criminal, revelry.
None of this is excusable. However, should you, our dear and loyal readers, find it within yourselves to forgive us for our recent absence, then we would be eternally grateful (as we would be to Grace should she choose to have the restraining order removed).
Before we continue, we feel a brief rundown of the events (as we remember them) leading up the decline and fall of the ACHQ Empire is necessary;
09:00am, May 29, 2004 - look at mountains of work heaped on our desk requiring immediate attention
09:02am, May 29, 2004 - sweep mountains of work requiring immediate attention off our desk and into recycle bin
09:03, May 29, 2004 - wheel recycle bin onto footpath for pick-up on May 31, 2004
09:04, May 29, 2004 - pat each other on the back and congratulate ourselves on a job well done
09:06, May 29, 2004 - sit at our newly-cleared desks and declare that a celebration is in order
09:07, May 29, 2004 - head off to the pub to celebrate
09:12, May 29, 2004 - order first drink
09:13, May 29, 2004 - order second and third drinks
09:14, May 29, 2004 - order fourth, fifth and sixth drinks
09:15, May 29, 2004 - in an attempt to mimic the recently toured Cirque du Soldering Iron, climb on top of Grace, the recently arrived representative of XYC Brewing Company
09:16, May 29, 2004 - fall from Grace as our attempt at the Human Eiffel Tower fails abysmally
09:17, May 29, 2004 - order seventh, eight, ninth and tenth drinks in between dialling 000 and requesting an ambulance for Grace who has yet to regain consciousness
09:18, May 29, 2004 - administer kiss-of-life to Grace while waiting for ambulance to arrive
09:19, May 29, 2004 - order eleventh drink and ask Nev the Lugubrious barman for a first aid kit in order to administer minor first aid to scratches received on face, neck and arms from the resuscitated Grace
09:20, May 29, 2004 - order twelfth drink, miss mouth completely and pour down front of shirt while trying to explain to Grace why it was necessary to use tongue when administering kiss-of-life
09:24, May 29, 2004 - having failed to convince Grace that our intentions were entirely honourable or, at the very least, an ill-judged attempt at comedy, order thirteenth through seventeenth drink and adjourn to the beer-cellar of the Plumbers Arms before law enforcement authorities arrive
09:26, May 29, 2004 - pass out
05:53, May 30, 2004 - wake up with hangover and attempt to leave the dank and smelly environs of the Plumbers Arm beer cellar
05:54, May 30, 2004 - discover that heavy, metal, steel-riveted and otherwise impenetrable door to beer-cellar at Plumbers Arms is locked
05:55, May 30, 2004 - swear profusely
05:56, May 30, 2004 - discover as yet undrunk, albeit warm seventeenth drink
05:57, May 30, 2004 - drink it
05:58, May 30, 2004 - bang on heavy, metal, steel-riveted and otherwise impenetrable door, while shouting for help
05:59, May 30, 2004 - wait for response to our desperate pleas for release
12:17, June 28, 2004 - still waiting
10:24, June 30, 2004 - finally released when Nev the Lugubrious Barman enters cellar to perform an end-of-financial-year stock count
10:25, June 30, 2004 - after gulping in lungfuls of fresh, untainted air, realise the dank and putrid stench of the beer-cellar was in fact emanating from ourselves
10:34, June 30, 2004 - arrive back at the ACHQ to find restraining order pinned to front door
10:35, June 30, 2004 - sit down on ACHQ bean bags to watch recorded copies of the European, Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix
16:43, June 30, 2004 - scratch heads in puzzlement
16:44, June 30, 2004 - check DVD recorder to try and ascertain how we had recorded the same Grand Prix three times instead of three different Grands Prix
17:56, June 30, 2004 - having put DVD recorder back together again, watch the European, Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix again
22:37, June 30, 2004 - realise that the European, Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix are in fact three different races, albeit with amazing similarities
22:38, June 30, 2004 - swear, as we realise how hard it will be to write about three races of such similarity
22:39, June 30, 2004 - procrastinate by writing letter of apology to Grace
22:40, June 30, 2004 - go to bed
11:43, July 1, 2004 - wake up
11:44, July 1, 2004 - ring our loved ones to explain our absence of over a month
11:45, July 1, 2004 - explain who we are to our loved ones
11:46, July 1, 2004 - promise to email photos of ourselves, along with corroborating evidence, to our loved ones
11:47, July 1, 2004 - realise that the French Grand Prix is only a few days away
11:48, July 1, 2004 - start writing the AC column for pitpass
11:49, July 1, 2004 - scratch heads in puzzlement as to what is the best way to explain our absence of over a month
13:30, July 1, 2004 - decide that honesty is the best policy
13:31, July 1, 2004 - start this column
13:32, July 1, 2004 - break for coffee
Points - Drivers
10 points - Michael Schumacher
Michael Schumacher won the:
a) European Grand Prix
b) Canadian Grand Prix
c) U.S. Grand Prix
d) all of the above
6 points - Zsolt Baumgartner
Zsolt Baungartner won:
a) a point for 8th place at the U.S. Grand Prix, the first for him and the first for Minardi since Mark Webber's 5th place at the 2002 Australian Grand Prix
b) a place in the ACHQ Poetry Hall-of-Fame for having a first name that rhymes with "dolt"
c) the hearts of the Hungarian people
d) all of the above
4 points - Ralf Schumacher
Ralf Schumacher has been treated shabbily because:
a) he was excluded from the Canadian Grand Prix after a fine second-place finish, robbing him of some much needed points
b) he was left stranded in his disintegrated car at the U.S. Grand Prix while the race heartlessly continued around him
c) he's a bit of a girly
d) all of the above
3 points - Jenson Button
Jenson Button's star is in the ascendency because:
a) he finished 2nd at both the European and Canadian Grands Prix
b) he is in 3rd place in the Drivers' Champiomship behind the seemingly invincible Ferrari pair of Schuamcher and Barrichello
c) Dave loves him
d) all of the above
2 points - Takuma Sato
Takuma Sato is a favourite of the ACHQ because:
a) he scored his first podium at the U.S. Grand Prix
b) he is an under-rated hard-charger whose results thus far are not indicative of his natural talent
c) he was team-mate at Carlin Motorsport to ACHQ local favourite, Peter Hackett at the 2001 Macau Grand Prix
d) all of the above
1 point - Timo Glock
Timo Glock came to our attention because:
a) he scored points on debut at the Canadian Grand Prix
b) his surname rhymes with "flock"
c) he not only scored points on debut, but he did so in a Jordan
d) all of the above
1 point - Juan Pablo Montoya
We are sympathetic towards Juan Pablo because:
a) he was disqualified from both the Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix
b) he is driving for McLaren next year
c) his team-mate is the little-bit-girly Ralf Schumacher
d) all of the above
1 point - Giancarlo Fisichella
We like Fisi because:
a) he scored valuable points finishes at both the European and Canadian Grands Prix
b) he drives for Sauber
c) because we just do
d) all of the above
1 point - Kimi Raikkonen
Kimi scored points at both the Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix because:
a) he is a talented driver
b) he couldn't fail not to with only 10 legal finishers at the Canadian GP and 9 finishers at the U.S. Grand Prix
c) he doesn't say much and tries his hardest no matter how crap the machinery at his disposal
d) all of the above
-10 points - Rubens Barrichello
Rubens finished second at the European, Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix because:
a) he is not allowed to finish first if Michael is still in the race
b) he's in a Ferrari
c) he's crap
d) all of the above
Points - Constructors
10 points - WilliamsF1
WilliamsF1 are to be applauded because:
a) after an early-season slump they have steadily improved (and have subsequently been disqualified from two Grands Prix)
b) they built a car strong enough to keep Ralf Schumacher alive (and relatively unscathed) despite his massive shunt at the U.S. Grand Prix
c) they're rumoured to be hiring Fisichella for 2005
d) all of the above
6 points - Ferrari
Ferrari finished first and second at the European, Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix:
a) because they are the most organised team with the biggest resources and the best car out there
b) because Michael drives for them
c) despite Rubens driving for them
d) all of the above
4 points - B.A.R.
The ACHQ have a soft-spot for B.A.R. because:
a) under the helm of Dave, they are steadily improving
b) the Vice-President of Honda Racing's surname is Szafnauer and although we have yet to find a word that rhymes with Szafnauer, we're working on it
c) they have the best livery on the grid
d) all of the above
3 points - Renault
Renault's performance has been a bit disappointing of late:
a) but we really like Alonso and Trulli so we'll give them points anyway
b) and we really like Flav so we'll give them points anyway
c) and we know someone who works for them and they read this column so we'll give them points anyway
d) all of the above
2 points - Sauber
Sauber are really cool because:
a) they're Swiss
b) Peter Sauber always appears to be smiling
c) Fisi drives for them
d) all of the above
1 point - Minardi
Minardi scored points at the U.S. Grand Prix because:
a) Monotya was disqualified
b) there were only 9 classified finishers
c) Zsolt Baumgartner is the new ACHQ cult-hero
d) all of the above
-1 point - Jordan
Jordan are a mere shadow of their former selves because
a) they have resorted to hiring pay-drivers
b) where once they used to challenge for race wins, they are now struggling score race finishes
c) they are the most likely to succeed as perennial back-of-the-gridders thereby elevating Minardi
d) all of the above
-2 points - Jaguar
Despite pumping hundreds of millions of dollars into their F1 efforts, Jaguar are still crap because:
a) there is no stability within the team
b) they're not really a Jaguar at all, but a Ford
c) Ford also own Volvo
d) all of the above
-3 points - McLaren
McLaren usually score minus 10 points in the 2004 AC. We've gone easy on them this time because:
a) Kimi drives for them and we like Kimi
b) they have improved with Kimi and DC both scoring points in both the Canadian and U.S. Grands Prix
c) one of us at the ACHQ has just bought a Mercedes
d) all of the above
-10 points - Toyota
If Toyota were to increase their F1 budget tenfold, they would still be crap because:
a) money doesn't always buy success
b) you can spend all the money in the world to build a better and more aesthetically pleasing toilet, but at the end of the day it's still just a receptacle for shit
c) they spend their spare time building Corollas
d) all of the above
Special Cases
-1,000 points - U.S. Grand Prix Organisers
The organisers of the U.S. Grand Prix illustrated that they couldn't host a chook raffle, let alone a round of the FIA Formula 1 World Championship because
a) they took 57 laps to decide that Juan Pablo Montoya should be black-flagged for an infringement which occurred before the start of the race
b) they did not red-flag the race after the first-corner incident involving Bruni, Pantano, Massa and Klien, the debris from which, in all likelihood was also responsible for Alonso's tyre failure and subsequent accident and Ralf's accident
c) it took three minutes for ANY medical attention to reach Ralf Schumacher, despite Ralf clearly being not OK and despite Ralf's accident occurring at the start of the main straight and within spitting distance of the medical centre. As stated by Mike Lawrence in his brilliant article on "Rules", Professor Sid could see Ralf, but was unable to do anything about it since the race stewards saw fit to not red-flag the race
d) they allowed the rest of the field to continue the race under the Safety Car, each lap of which took them through the scene of Ralf's accident and the resulting debris, thereby risking the same thing happening all over again
e) the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (and ergo the U.S. GP) is owned by Tony George, the man single-handedly responsible for destroying open-wheeler racing in North America
f) as a result of which, NASCAR is the biggest motorsport category in North America
g) all of the above
Standings - Drivers (& Special Cases)
30 points - Fernando Alonso (Spain)
26 points - Jenson Button (UK)
20 points - Michael Schumacher (Germany)
16 points - Jarno Trulli (Italy)
12 points - Takuma Sato (Japan)
11 points - Mark Webber (Australia)
10 points - Felipe Massa (Brazil)
6 points - Christian Klien (Austria)
6 points - Giancarlo Fisichella (Italy)
2 points - Kimi Raikkonen (Finland)
1 point - Timo Glock (Germany)
0 points - Giorgio Pantano (Italy)
0 points - Gianmaria Bruni (Italy)
-2 points - Olivier Panis (France)
-4 points - Zsolt Baumgartner (Hungary)
-6 points - Nick Heidfeld (Germany)
-11 points - Christiano da Matta (Brazil)
-12 points - Juan-Pablo Montoya (Colombia)
-16 points - Rubens Barrichello (Brazil)
-26 points - Ralf Schumacher (Germany)
-38 points - David Coulthard (UK)
-1000 points - U.S. Grand Prix Organisers (USA)
Standings - Constructors
30 points - Renault
30 points - BAR
22 points - Ferrari
11 points - WilliamsF1
-3 points - Minardi
-6 points - Sauber
-11 points - McLaren
-27 points - Jaguar
-43 points - Toyota
-44 points - Jordan
To check out previous features from the Alternative Championship, click here