21/05/2004
FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
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Following on from our dalliance with extreme brevity, we at The Alternative Championship Headquarters (ACHQ) were rather keen to write something of more substance this time around. Something meaty, something witty perhaps even something insightful.
Then we thought about it and decided now would not be the time to start breaking new ground. At least we decided now would not be the time to break new ground that would demand any amount of effort. Our lethargy after all, is spectacularly well documented.
On the other hand, we figured if we broke new ground, which happened to have the knock-on effect of lightening our workload, well, that would be an altogether different matter.
Thus, we offer the inaugural ACHQ do-it-yourself quiz. Yes loyal readership, based on everyone's favourite examination format, the multiple choice quiz, we are allowing you to not only consider our inner-most machinations as we debated the various scores we allocate and indeed influence the result of this round of The Alternative Championship, we are also affording you the chance to assess if you share a common mindset with us.
(In the unlikely event any of you readers do share a common mindset with Antipodean duo, please stop writing to me before or I'll have a restraining order taken out on you too - Ed)
Oh, and by the way, speaking of the Spanish GP - which we weren't really, just how dull has the sport become when even the track invaders are boring?
ACHQ Editorial note - include publication: Readers, We consider it our duty as loyal supporters of the team, to categorically refute any rumours you may have heard, implying that the track invader was found to have 50 quid in his pocket and immediately offered a seat at Jordan - Rob and Crompo
Now before you begin, a couple of extra tools will be required to fully participate in this column. Unlike the clever Mr Collins, whose quizzes are offered on a clever page that show your results, our foray into world of the quiz-o-phile is somewhat passive.
Therefore, we suggest a pen and paper. Failing that, a pencil and discarded packing carton will do. If your minders don't allow you to play with sharp things, a crayon and the corner of a tablecloth will be fine. If we still haven't accommodated your personal requirements, you probably shouldn't be playing with this computer so stop it at once and go back to playing with your blocks.
If you are really, really clever, and are recording your answers on a spreadsheet program, by all means come and work for us (volunteer/unpaid of course) 'coz we could really use somebody smart like you.
In any case. Assuming you are now sufficiently equipped to record you answers to the multiple choice questions that follow, please do so. Instructions concerning your tally of scores and calculating the results follow the questions.
Drivers
(10) Michael Schumacher is;
A: So dominant as to be rapidly becoming difficult to ridicule - even for us.
B: A person about whom I have difficulty forming an opinion.
C: A pale shadow when compared to Jacques.
D: A liar, a cheat and thief. He should be burned at the stake for the betterment of humankind.
E: Cheating on you with your best friend.
(6) Fernando Alonso's drive was;
A: Yet another stoic example of this rising talent's iron resolve and consistency.
B: Really hard to judge
C: Impressive but not as good as Jacques who would have done much better in the same circumstances
D: Quite good but at time he reminds me far too much of Michael Schumacher.
E: Almost as good as finding that sexy top you've been wanting for ages in the $10 sale bin at your favourite clothing store.
(4) Jarno Trulli's start would be best described as;
A: A stunning example of racecraft, which setup his thoroughly deserved podium.
B: A start.
C: Almost as good as some of Jacques' starts.
D: A shining example that even anyone can beat that pretender Michael off the start.
E: Typical of a guy. They always rush things…can't wait to grab you and get down to it. What about talking for once? What about asking how my day was? They're all the same and he's no exception.
(3) In the race, Takuma Sato proved that;
A: He is coming of age and definitely deserving of his seat at BAR.
B: He is a racing car driver.
C: He will never be a worthy replacement for Jacques.
D: He should have rammed Michael much harder at Suzuka last year.
E: He is quietly spoken, mature and the ideal candidate for a first date in the eyes of your parents.
(2) Giancarlo Fisichella's hopes for a drive with a winning team;
A: Were underscored by his performance in Spain.
B: Are quite understandable. We all have hopes but we don't dare dream.
C: Remain overshadowed by the fact that Jacques deserves such a seat.
D: Are perfectly reasonable - as long as Ferrari replace Michael Schumacher with him.
E: Are unfounded. He's much better looking than you and you could never date anyone prettier than you.
(1) Jenson Button's efforts were;
A: Valiant but in modern Formula One, only so much can be recovered after a poor qualifying.
B: good-ish
C: Nothing compared to what Jacques could have done.
D: Far better than that cheating German would have managed in the situation.
E: Because he has such beautifully manicured hands.
(-1) A lowly twelfth for Mark Webber indicates:
A: That it's hard to stay motivated when you pedal a pig truck.
B: That he came twelfth.
C: Jacques would have come eleventh in that car.
D: That Michael Schumacher is so threatened by Webber, he has been bribing Jaguar to build a crap car.
E: That he likes you better than his girlfriend and is constantly distracted while looking for better options.
(-2) In bucking the trend and implementing a two-stop strategy Rubens Barrichello has:
A: Found yet another way to finish behind Michael
B: Shown that he likes even numbers.
C: Proven beyond doubt that Jacques deserves that drive.
D: Underscored the lengths Ferrari will go to in order to ensure that cheat always wins.
E: Demonstrated that he's not the guy for you. You could never date anyone who has no style.
(-3) Ralf Schumacher finished sixth;
A: In spite of himself.
B: Because there were five cars ahead of him.
C: Thereby highlighting that there are at least two Schumachers on the grid Jacques should replace.
D: Because his name is Schumacher.
E: Proving he could do better if he spent more time with you instead of spending all his spare time with the boys.
(-4) Zsolt Baumgartner;
A: Masked his true potential with a clever spin, thus saving him the ignominy of finishing last.
B: Is from Hungary.
C: Drives a car unfit for Jacques.
D: Should try and organise future spins in such a way as to take Michael out of the race.
E: Eeeeew. He probably has a hairy back.
(-6) Despite out-lasting his team-mate, Cristiano da Matta was the last man classified;
A: Which goes to show that even Toyota's hiring department don't have a clue.
B: Which goes to show that all the other competitors who were still in the race, were ahead of him.
C: Which goes to show that Jacques would not have finished last.
D: Which goes to show that Michael should have one arm amputated and be forced to drive a Toyota.
E: While you try not to be a Material Girl, you just can't respect anyone who drives a Toyota
(-10) David Coulthard didn't even manage a point and finished a lap down because;
A: That's exactly what's to be expected of him.
B: He wasn't on the same lap as the leaders.
C: He's not Jacques.
D: God is punishing him for not colliding with Michael more regularly and usefully.
E: He's a Scottish Git
Constructors
(10) In a race as dull as this, McLaren's contribution is priceless because;
A: The dullness of Formula One is transient while the opportunity to laugh at McLaren's expense is eternal.
B: Without them, there would have only been eighteen cars.
C: Their appalling efforts prove that they need Jacques.
D: As long as McLarens are being lapped, hope for a race-destroying collision with Michael remains.
E: Silver and black with a splash of red are very chic and stylish together
(6) The continuing run of amazing starts and solid results from Renault is testimony to;
A: The quiet commitment and drive of this under-rated team to succeed.
B: Their run of amazing starts and solid results.
C: Their need to employ Jacques.
D: The legacy of cheating imbued in the team when it was Benetton and that cheat drove for them.
E: The fact that supermodels are attracted to older, ugly men for their money.
(4) BAR's golden run of podiums ended at Spain because;
A: As strong as this team are, the current excessively rules punish poor qualifying.
B: They didn't finish on the podium.
C: They no longer have Jacques to lead them to glory.
D: Somehow or other, Michael ruined it for them - probably by cheating.
E: They suck.
(-4) Though Ferrari finished in the top two places, the result is cheapened by;
A: The fact that their true racing colour was changed to suit the whims of tobacco money.
B: Their unwillingness to share the podium?
C: Their inability to recognise the supreme talent of Jacques.
D: The cheating German.
E: Your parents catching you with a pack of your best friend's cigarettes and grounding you for a month even though you don't smoke and were only "minding" them for her.
(-6) A lacklustre result for WilliamsF1. Surely the result of;
A: A less than stunning car in the hands of questionably-motivated drivers.
B: A bad day?
C: Their stupidity for not retaining Jacques.
D: Spending too much money on security measures to prevent the cheating German from sabotaging their efforts.
E: A botched rhinoplasty.
(-10) Jordan are in the doldrums because;
A: Their leader became far too concerned with riches and forgot about racing.
B: They are not doing very well at the moment.
C: They could have had Jacques and yet, inexplicably, chose not to.
D: Michael abandoned them after only one drive in the early nineties.
E: They are yellow and everybody knows that muted earthy tones are this season's colours, not garish brights.
You didn't really think your answers were going to influence our points did you? Not because we think we are any smarter than you or have anymore right to decide the scores, just a matter of us being far to bone-idle to bother tabulating your results and working out what the scores should be.
Still, at least the other part we promised was true. We are offering a "how you compared to us" guide. You now need to assign a numerical value to your answers. Use this list to do so
A = 1
B = 100
C = 10,000
D = 1,000,000
E = 10,000,000
Now that you have assigned a value to each of your answers, the following guide will tell you how you fared.
Less than 100 - You are an absolute genius and probably very attractive too. In the event that either of us meet an untimely end, you should be seriously considered as a replacement.
100 to 9,999 - You're a literalist.
10,000 to 999,999 - You're from Quebec
1,000,000 to 9,999,999 - You're British
10,000,000 and over - You've come to the wrong website.
Standings - Drivers
24 points - Fernando Alonso (Spain)
20 points - Michael Schumacher (Germany)
19 points - Jenson Button (UK)
10 points - Mark Webber (Australia)
10 points - Felipe Massa (Brazil)
8 points - Takuma Sato (Japan)
6 points - Christian Klien (Austria)
6 points - Jarno Trulli (Italy)
2 points - Giancarlo Fisichella (Italy)
1 point - Kimi Raikkonen (Finland)
0 points - Giorgio Pantano (Italy)
0 points - Gianmaria Bruni (Italy)
-2 points - Olivier Panis (France)
-5 points - Rubens Barrichello (Brazil)
-6 points - Nick Heidfeld (Germany)
-9 points - Juan-Pablo Montoya (Colombia)
-9 points - Christiano da Matta (Brazil)
-10 points - Zsolt Baumgartner (Hungary)
-25 points - Ralf Schumacher (Germany)
-35 points - David Coulthard (UK)
Standings - Constructors
20 points - Ferrari
20 points - BAR
17 points - Renault
3 points - WilliamsF1
-2 points - McLaren
-7 points - Minardi
-12 points - Sauber
-15 points - Jaguar
-30 points - Toyota
-44 points - Jordan
To check out previous features from the Alternative Championship, click here