15/04/2004
FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
 |
We of The Alternative Championship Headquarters (ACHQ) wish to extend a hearty thanks and cheery, personal, heartfelt salutation to our readers. Yes, that's right, reader plus an s as in the plural form. In our last column we inferred that, to the best of our knowledge, we enjoyed a readership of one.
Thanks to magnificent pitpass forum and, we repeat AND, an e-mail, we are now aware that we are indeed read by no less than three rugged, free-thinking individualists. You know who you are and don't worry, just in case our numbers swell to a heady four, we won't 'out' you by naming you….yet.
But anyway, there was a race recently wasn't there? Not half a bad one either for that matter. Not exactly a classic in global terms but, well, in light of recent years, a pretty entertaining event.
And in light of our recent upsurge in readership, we feel that our own television talk show isn't far around the corner. So we've started practicing.
Drivers
10 Points - Kimi Raikkonen:
Rob: Top score to Kimi? You are aware that this is the third time in three races that this poor boy has failed to finish?
Crompo: Yeah, I know he's Finnish.
Rob: You're not paying attention are you?
Crompo: Huh? Look, Thomas is getting in trouble with the Fat Controller.
Rob: Right, that's it I'm turning the television off.
Crompo: Now I'll never know how it turns out!
Rob: Ugh, let me try another tack. Kimi hasn't finished a race so far this year and he was out of the Bahrain race quite early. In spite of this, you've given him the top score. Why?
Crompo: Oh, that's easy. Restraint.
Rob: What?
Crompo: Well, think about his little nastiness towards the Marshal in the last race. His form is a matter of record.
Rob: So?
Crompo: So, did you see the camera shot of the Marshal on the scooter riding towards Kimi after he retired?
Rob: Yes, and?
Crompo: Well, did you see Kimi raise his arm just as the marshal was arriving?
Rob: Yes, and?
Crompo: Well, I figured it was odds-on that he was going to coat-hanger the guy and steal the scooter. But he didn't, he just really politely flagged the guy down to get a lift back to the pits.
Rob: Coat-hanger?
Crompo: Yeah, you know. Stick your arm out at neck level as somebody passes on a vehicle and take their mount out from under them. I do it all the time to skate-boarders.
Rob: You would.
6 Points - Christian Klien:
Rob: I must say, given that Christian didn't finish in the points and had a few moments of his own making, it's a bit odd that you've scored him so highly.
Crompo: Not at all, did you see those moves he was laying on Kimi?
Rob: Yes, but they were a bit youthfully exuberant and none of them stuck.
Crompo: Don't matter, he tried.
Rob: So you're saying it's better to try and fail valiantly than not to try at all?
Crompo: What? Nah, I'm saying it was fun to watch.
4 Points - Takuma Sato:
Rob: Well, at least Taku finished in the points. That said, he was behind his team-mate.
Crompo: You're missing the point.
Rob: And he did make a bit of a mess of his own front wing
Crompo: You're still missing the point.
Rob: I suppose his drive back into the points after the loss of a nose-cone was pretty impressive, as was holding off Alonso.
Crompo: Sometimes I wonder if you even watch the races.
Rob: I beg your pardon?
Crompo: It's obvious. Taku made Ralf look like the whiny, nasty pratt that he is.
Rob: I think I'd like to speak to a lawyer.
Crompo: Typical, sticking up for Ralf again!
Rob: I'm not sticking up for Ralf. I'm questioning your tiny mind's ability to justify itself.
Crompo: Oh, that's just dandy coming from a bloke who carries a handbag.
Rob: For the last time, it's a manbag!
3 Points - Juan-Pablo Montoya:
Rob: Well at least this makes some sense to me.
Crompo: It does? Can I change my mind then?
Rob: NO!
Crompo: Bugger. Oh, well, I guess he does deserve it.
Rob: For hanging in behind the Ferraris and driving a solid race that should have afforded him a podium until a mechanical failure cruelly robbed him of a decent finish?
Crompo: What? No, of course not.
Rob: What then?
Crompo: For hanging in after he suffered the mechanical problem and making every effort to rescue some points, in stark contrast to somebody who may or may not be his team-mate and who has been known to not be bothered if he's not in the mood.
Rob: Wow, you really do have some issues with Ralf don't you? What's that all about?
Crompo: Hey, I didn't name him, you did. Be sure and tell your dullard lawyer mates that.
2 Points - Jenson Button:
Rob: Need I remind you that Jenson finished ahead of his team-mate and on the podium for the second consecutive race? Why have you opted not to give Jenson a higher score?
Crompo: You can be so thick some days Rob.
Rob: I think you're confusing me with you, but by all means, go on and justify your deeply flawed thinking.
Crompo: Well, fact is, Jenson's result was good but dull.
Rob: DULL? The kid drove into a legitimate third place out of sheer skill and determination!
Crompo: Yeah, but obviously he's got the talent to do that so it's no fun at all. Besides, there's that hand thing?
Rob: What?!?
Crompo: You know, that story that he needed a hand model for his TV commercial cos his hands weren't 'blokey' enough for the close-ups.
Rob: Quite apart from the fact that we don't know that for a fact, what does that have to do with his race result.
Crompo: Nothing, I just hate blokes with girly hands.
Rob: That's not exactly an intelligent point of view.
Crompo: Show me your hands.
Rob: NO!
Crompo: No need, I know what they look like and methinks 'girly-hands' doth defend his mate too loudly.
Rob: Not only is that the worst, most inappropriate, ill-conceived facsimile of an attempt at paraphrasing a great man.
Crompo: Ooh, hit a nerve did I?
Rob: Perhaps this hand issue of yours has more to do with the fact that you can scratch the back of your knees without bending?
Crompo: You're jealous.
Rob: Oh, yeah, that's it. I'm soooo envious that my hands don't betray the fact that my family only popped down out of the trees a few months ago.
1 Point - Fernando Alonso:
Rob: Well, I admit that Fernando made a good fist of it to come back from an appalling qualifying result and a huge slab of time lost changing a nose cone on the opening lap. But then that won't be why you've given him a point will it?
Crompo: I see you've worked the hand thing into that question.
Rob: What?
Crompo: A good fist? Oh, come on, like that was an accident.
Rob: Just answer the question.
Crompo: What question?
Rob: The one I asked you four lines ago.
Crompo: What was that again?
Rob: Just tell me why you gave Fernando a point.
Crompo: No can do.
Rob: So you don't even have a reason for this one?
Crompo: Yeah, I do, just can't tell you.
Rob: Can't?
Crompo: That's right, can't.
Rob: I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why can't you?
Crompo: Can't say why I can't.
Rob: Does this have something to do with that ill-fitting, filthy Renault cap you've been wearing 24 hours a day since early March?
Crompo: What's the phone number of your lawyer mate again?
-3 Points - Rubens Barrichello:
Rob: A peerless drive, second only to his team-mate and yet you've awarded a fairly lowly score. What's that about?
Crompo: Lap dog.
Rob: The guy is second in the championship!
Crompo: Lap dog.
Rob: He's finished on the podium twice in three races?
Crompo: Lap dog.
Rob: Surely you accept that at a time when Michael is busily re-writing just about every record in F1, being a solid team-mate is worth something?
Crompo: Lap dog.
Rob: He's even beaten Michael a few times - notwithstanding that rather ugly business at Austria a couple of years back.
Crompo: Lap dog.
Rob: Can you say anything other than 'lap dog'?
Crompo: Sure I can. He's nothing but a tame, languid lap dog.
-4 Points - Michael Schumacher:
Rob: The guy has won every race this year, and totally dominated this GP. Care to tell my how you've managed to score him this lowly?
Crompo: You just don't do your research do you?
Rob: Actually, I do rather a lot of research, unlike you, who seems to consider surfing the internet for faked photographs that defame celebrities as research.
Crompo: That's not what I'm talking about, even if it is fun.
Rob: What then, are you talking about?
Crompo: Real research?
Rob: Such as?
Crompo: I refer you to the pitpass message board as a telling cross-section of F1 fans who know stuff.
Rob: Stuff?
Crompo: Exactly, Stuff. Do you ever look in there?
Rob: Well, sort of, a bit, sometimes.
Crompo: I didn't think you did. Because if you did, you'd know that the prevailing sentiment of the vast majority of F1 fans - other than the ones who are still pretty ticked off that Jacques doesn't have a drive - happen to think that Michael is personally responsible for everything from the destruction of Pompeii, to the Cuban missile crisis.
Rob: That's not valid research, that's just popular opinion.
Crompo: Exactly, and popular we ain't. I draw your attention to our three readers, loyal and true.
Rob: Right you are, quite the cad that German.
-6 Points - David Coulthard:
Rob: You're not even going to justify this one are you?
Crompo: Nup.
Rob: You are aware that he has fans?
Crompo: Yep.
Rob: And yet despite shamelessly prostituting yourself with your populist approach to Michael's score, you're quite prepared to alienate DC fans?
Crompo: Yep
Rob: That would make a mockery of your own logic.
Crompo: Not really.
Rob: How so?
Crompo: It's a numbers thing.
Rob: Go on?
Crompo: We have three readers, DC only has one mum and one dad, neither of whom have read us for some time I understand. You do the math.
-10 points - Ralf Schumacher:
Rob: Well, this comes as no surprise.
Crompo: That's not a question, it's a statement. What kind of interviewer are you?
Rob: A very, very, very jaded and disillusioned one.
Crompo: Can I say some stuff anyway?
Rob: Could I stop you?
Crompo: Well, despite the fact that you seem to hold me personally responsible for our stunningly small readership, I'm taking this opportunity to help our numbers?
Rob: It pains me to say this, but what the heck, tell me more.
Crompo: Thanks, I will. The way I see it, this is a chance to realistically double our readership.
Rob: Great, more Crompo-math, this should be good.
Crompo: I'm serious, we can literally skyrocket ourselves up to six readers in the bat of an eyelid, just by bagging Ralf.
Rob: And I suppose you're about to tell me how that works?
Crompo: Sure am. I have three little words for you here.
Rob: Those words being?
Crompo: Takuma, Frank and Patrick!
Rob: That's four words.
After a quick cup of coffee and two dry martinis with mint leaf infusions, Crompo is ready to tackle the constructor points. Rob had a milkshake and ground four anti-depressants into it and needs time to let the effects sink in before continuing.
Rob: Thanks Crompo, for your valued and reasoned thoughts on the drivers at the recent Gulf Air Bahrain Grand Prix. Before we continue, here's a message from our sponsors.
SFX: (Music from "The Magnificent Seven")
Scene: A montage of various seriously hard-working people working up a sweat in their chosen professions….butcher, baker, candlestick-maker etc.
VO: You can get it working…you can get it shirking….you can get it lurking….or you can get it having a cow…a hard-earned thirst needs a big cold beer.
(screen-shot of deliciously cold-looking glass of beer)
VO: And the best cold beer is Nurtures and not that lamo-crappy F1-endorsed swill that comes in a blue can.
SFX: Dum dum de dum. Dum dum de dummmmmmmmm.
Screenshot: Nurtures Logo.
Rob: Welcome back viewers to Inside ACHQ Today Tonight Currently (or thereabouts). We have as a guest today, well no-one actually, but sitting in the guests chair is none other than ACHQ luminary, or as we like to refer to him here at Inside ACHQ Today Tonight Currently (or thereabouts), the Village Simpleton, Crompo, who is doing his best to masquerade as someone who has a clue. Isn't that right Crompo?
Crompo: Huh?
Rob: Nevermind. Tell me Crompo, do you have any thoughts?
Crompo: Huh?
Rob: No. Didn't think so. How about thoughts about the Bahrain Grand Prix and how the various constructors fared?
Crompo: Huh?
Rob: It's OK. I'll lead…you follow.
Constructors
10 Points - McLaren:
Rob: Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought you hated McLaren?
Crompo: Still do.
Rob: And yet you've given them top points?
Crompo: Sure did.
Rob: Go ahead surprise me.
Crompo: Did you see Kimi's incendiary?
Rob: Ooooh, I get it.
Crompo: What?
Rob: This is about your little fire thing isn't it?
Crompo: What little fire thing?
Rob: Answer me these questions three
Crompo: Huh?
Rob: Who was it I caught toasting an ant nest in the garden with a magnifying glass the other day?
Crompo: Um, me.
Rob: Who was it who spent three months making a match stick model of the Eiffel Tower, left the heads on the matches and sent the lot up in smoke?
Crompo: Er, me.
Rob: And who was it, the Monday after the Bahrain GP, I discovered filling those nasty little models McLaren sent us as a bribe a few years ago with petrol and squealing 'weeeeeeeeeee' and you lit them and sent them down the driveway? Hmmm? Tell me who?
Crompo: You point being?
Rob: You are a disturbing form of psycho-maniac and I don't mean sex!
ACHQ Editorial note - include for publication: Readers, we do not condone the deliberate combustion of models, F1, super or otherwise. Crompo's actions were not only unsupervised and stupid. As such, we stridently implore you not to attempt them. And a special note to younger readers, if you play with matches, you might turn out like Crompo - Rob
6 points - Williams:
Rob: Once again, I note that your take on Williams performance at Bahrain doesn't exactly tally with the results of the event.
Crompo: Yes, but there are mitigating circumstances.
Rob: Such as?
Crompo: I have voted Williams to be the team most likely to sack Ralf.
Rob: Shoulda seen that coming.
4 points - Minardi:
Rob: Hardly a stellar weekend for Minardi. For that matter, hardly a stellar year so far. Yet, again, in your inimitably obtuse wisdom, you've given them the third highest score of the weekend. Care to explain that to we, the rational people of the world?
Crompo: Sure thing, I'd be happy to do so.
Rob: The idea was to actually explain it you dolt, not just say that you would be happy to do so.
Crompo: Oh, ok. Thing is, Minardi are crap. They are having a crap year and their car is crap.
Rob: That's not actually a justification for your actions.
Crompo: Oh yes it is. You see there is a team that is very close to being as crap as Minardi, and yet that other team is flat-out taking itself seriously whereas Minardi aren't.
Rob: I've known you for far too long and yet even I have no idea what you're on about this time.
Crompo: Simple. I have the hump with that other team in a big way and I thought it would irritate the other team no end to see that their nearest rival in crapdom got a good score.
Rob: You are without doubt, the most fundamentally flawed and deeply evil person I've ever known.
Crompo: Thanks mate.
3 Points - BAR:
Rob: Now this is just starting to get too weird. Last time I checked, you had nasty set-to with BAR and yet here you are, giving them a decent score.
Crompo: Well, I haven't actually forgiven them since you raised that subject.
Rob: But you have given them decent points?
Crompo: That I have.
Rob: Will I regret it if I ask why?
Crompo: Not at all my timid friend. You see another thing I learned from the pitpass message board is that Jacques Villeneuve fans are about the easiest people in the world to upset.
Rob: And clearly you're about to suggest that if JV was still with the team, they would never have brought two cars home in the points at Bahrain?
Crompo: Nah, I'm going to suggest that any team who sacks JV can't be all bad.
Rob: I thought you were busy inventing opinions that were aimed at increasing our readership. This is hardly likely to help that cause.
Crompo: I should clarify something. I'd like to have a larger readership, I love annoying the JV-loving nutters.
Rob: Well, folks, you read it, just remember who to address the hate-mail to.
2 points - Renault:
Rob: This is still about that stupid Renault cap you're wearing isn't it?
Crompo: I don't want to say.
Rob: Oh for crying out loud, I don't mind you taking bribes and betraying everything that the ACHQ stands for, we all do that, would you at least do me the courtesy of succumbing to bribes that cost more than the price of a postage stamp?
Crompo: I like the cap.
1 point - Jaguar:
Rob: I seem to recall you down at The Plumbers Arms a couple of weeks back, regaling us all with your lambasting of Jaguar because they'd hired a pay-driver like Klien. I note that earlier you gave this pay driver a good score. I assume that you're now going to retract all your sentiments regarding Jaguar on that basis?
Crompo: Hell no, they're crap.
Rob: Oh? You're giving them a point here.
Crompo: That I am.
Rob: Why?
Crompo: Well, look, I hate admitting this in public but I have a bit of a thing for classic cars?
Rob: What does that have to do with a Ford F1, cleverly painted to create the impression that it in some way can spuriously boast a lineage to the grand old Jaguars of yore?
Crompo: Well, I have this mate that knows this guy who has a pal whose girlfriend does the laundry of this girl who knows the guy that changes the water in the Jaguar's current boss's fish pond.
Rob: I might point out that in the time it took you to say that, Jaguar's recent F1 history suggests that they could have a new boss, drivers, design team and tea lady.
Crompo: Waddeva. In any case, my mate tells me that the dashboard of the Jaguar F1 is woodgrain and it leaks oil just like a real jaguar.
-6 points - Toyota:
Rob: You think Ralf is going to drive for Toyota next year don't you?
Crompo: Uh-huh.
-10 points - Jordan:
These guys just aren't that much fun anymore. Shame too. After all, when you spend your weekends mixing it at the back of the grid with Minardi, we reckon a robust sense of humour would be kinda important."
Standings - Drivers
14 points - Fernando Alonso (Spain)
11 points - Mark Webber (Australia)
10 points - Felipe Massa (Brazil)
8 points - Jenson Button (UK)
6 points - Christian Klien (Austria)
5 points - Takuma Sato (Japan)
4 points - Michael Schumacher (Germany)
1 point - Juan-Pablo Montoya (Colombia)
0 points - Rubens Barrichello (Brazil)
0 points - Giancarlo Fisichella (Italy)
0 points - Jarno Trulli (Italy)
0 points - Giorgio Pantano (Italy)
0 points - Gianmaria Bruni (Italy)
-2 points - Olivier Panis (France)
-2 points - Kimi Raikkonen (Finland)
-3 points - Christiano da Matta (Brazil)
-6 points - Zsolt Baumgartner (Hungary)
-6 points - Nick Heidfeld (Germany)
-18 points - Ralf Schumacher (Germany)
-19 points - David Coulthard (UK)
Standings - Constructors
14 points - Ferrari
10 points - BAR
7 points - Renault
6 points - WilliamsF1
-6 points - McLaren
-8 points - Minardi
-10 points - Sauber
-12 points - Jaguar
-24 points - Jordan
-26 points - Toyota
To check out previous features from the Alternative Championship, click here