According to highly secret documents, which Pitpass has caught a very brief glimpse of, the FIA is on the verge of announcing a number of new initiatives in the name of safety.

Firstly, following a number of incidents during races this season, most notably the Spanish, British, United States and French Grands Prix, the FIA is instructing broadcasters to preface race broadcasts with a 'may cause extreme drowsiness' warning.

It's believed this action has been taken not merely in the interests of safety but also as precaution should anyone attempt to sue the promoters of Formula One racing under the various trade descriptions acts.

It was found that during these Grands Prix - and many more - drowsiness was giving great cause for concern, often affecting people's ability to operate basic machinery and other things that require alertness. At Indianapolis one driver's ability to drive was so badly affected he crashed and subsequently headed off to NASCAR.

Furthermore, concerned at ever increasing cornering speeds, and with no acceptable suggestion put forward by the manufacturers, the FIA is to take the only logical route, and is to ban corners.

Pitpass has learned that even as you read this, track design guru Herman Tilke is working on a brand new layout having been inspired by the old start/finish straight at Zeltweg - a further nod to the Austrians - the Ligne Droite de la Fouine (Dijon-Prenois), Route Nationale 31 (Reims), bits of Silverstone and Avus.

Finally, with the engine freeze going through - by hook or by bloody crook - the FIA has already instructed its official engraver to begin work on the World Championship trophies for the next few years.

2007 - A Renault or Ferrari driver
2008 - A Renault or Ferrari driver
2009 - A Renault or Ferrari driver
2010 - A Renault or Ferrari driver
2011 - A Renault or Ferrari driver
2012 - The female former pop-star who got her F1 drive by winning Celebrity Big Brother - driving a Kitchiner-Cosworth, built underneath the arches at Stamford Brook.

Honestly folks... it's all true!