14/02/2012
FEATURE BY GLEN CROMPTON
As the new season creeps ever-nearer, Antipodeans Mat Coch (right) and Glen Crompton (below left) got it into their head that Pitpass' readership might benefit from a glossary-guide to the 2012 F1 season.
Admittedly this occurred late at night in a public house and, unlike sensible authors who awake the following day and realise the folly of their drunken scribblings, Mat and Crompo went ahead and submitted their offerings to editor Balfe - who was curiously reminded of the days when he tried to mitigate contretemps the popular yet disturbing Alternative Championship - and just published Mat and Crompo's rubbish as submitted.
Certain inaccuracies may be found in this article since submissions to the editor were mostly scans of what looked suspiciously like the back of a sordid, dank collection of beer coasters and cheap takeaway napkins.
2012 Formula 1 Season - 1. Series of racing events conducted globally in order to see how good Sebastian Vettel and Adrian Newey really are. 2. Latest incarnation of Bernie's Magical Money Machine.
Acrimonious Magnetism - Little known sub-branch electromagnetism conceived by Mat and Crompo very late one night; infers the greater the acrimony between drivers the greater the probability that they will collide.
Adrian Newey - F1's answer to folklore's Merlin whose graphic doodles have hewn championships for a disproportionately large number of teams.
Adrian Sutil - Former F1 driver and someone definitely to be avoided in nightclubs.
Annoying interloper - Commercial management "outsider" eager to share opinions despite apparent lack of pedigree. No names here, we'd rather fry in hell than suffer parr reaching legal action.
Bahrain - 1. Peaceful country and host to one of the most popular events on the calendar. 2. Cashed up gulf state attempting to use Formula 1 to cover social oppression.
BBC - Publicly funded British free-to-air broadcaster ensuring viewers' access to live events. Latterly, publicly funded British reseller of current live F1 broadcast rights to not-so-free-to-air broadcaster, thus confounding the first definition.
Bug-Eyed - Syndrome sometimes equated to inmates of male prisons, for 2012, refers to the aesthetically unappealing location of cameras on the tip of the car's nose cone.
DRS - Doesn't stand for Dubious Revenue Supplementer - that's probably just a bonus. Hopefully its designated use zones don't influence nearby grandstand prices.
Damon Hill - World champion, son of a world champion. Acquitted himself honourably up to the part where he recently declared everything is just peachy in Bahrain.
Felipe Massa - Incumbent occupier of the "other equal" Ferrari and latest of a string of notable "lesser equals" at Maranello - think Rubens, Irvine... actually, no forget Irvine, we're still trying to.
Ferrari - Mercurial, passion-evoking Italian team known for vacillating twixt mediocrity and supremacy, embroilment in controversy, and, latterly, being crap since the departure of incumbent FIA President Todt.
Flexi-Wing - Alleged advantage of Red Bull which had the sport in a flap. Despite the Darwinian success of flapping wings on birds, "exploration" of this technology did not help Ferrari.
Fernando Alonso - Double world champion with Renault, caused a bit of controversy at McLaren, went home to Renault without replicating his success but managed a bit more controversy, then went to Ferrari to help them underachieve.
Grid-Filler - Derisive slang applied to teams with no hope of attaining points, which also tend to be the most recent admissions to F1.
Guest Steward - Rotating seat on the Race Stewards' panel whereby former GP competitors are drafted for one-off engagements much like celebrity judges on TV talent shows... and to much the same effect.
KERS - A push-to-pass system introduced to F1 while the sport tried to look like the idea was swiped from other formulae.
Kimi Raikkonen - Forgotten F1 champion and alleged lover of a tipple, cast adrift by Ferrari in return for his loyalty and speed before learning to write-off Rally cars.
Kobayashi - Mould-breaking, fast and consistent Japanese driver. Owing to current financial woes in Japan, risks going the way of Sauber predecessor, Luckless Heidfeld.
Lewis Hamilton - Premium marketing brand offered by XIX Entertainment. When not distracted by cheesy photoshoots and the cult of celebrity, also an amazingly fast and talented F1 driver.
Lotus - Founded by cheeky miscreant Colin Chapman who died in 1982, the team following few years later. The name reappeared on the grid in recent years with more than one team, much to the financial advantage of lawyers.
McLaren - Renowned for perfection, professionalism, consistent results, and deadly-dull corporate-esque press releases.
Mercedes - Used to be Tyrell, then BAR, then Honda, then Brawn, then Mercedes. Tyrell era mixed, BAR era dismal, Brawn era, stellar - mediocrity has since resumed.
Quiet Achiever - Grafting driver who doesn't hang out with rock stars, has also won a world championship and out-scores his aspiring-rock-star team mate.
Mark Webber - Data baseline used to prove that Adrian Newey's 2011 Red Bull was not that superior while Sebastian Vettel probably is.
Nico Rosberg - Brash lad of a brash dad; Rosberg may well be Finnish for fast.
Pole Position - Sunday afternoon grid parking spot assigned to Mr S Vettel. Formerly the property of Messrs Schumacher, Mansell and Senna.
Pullrod - Implementation of suspension returning to F1 for aerodynamic reasons, not a derisive reference to drivers whose sponsorship booty exceeds their capabilities.
Race Stewards - FIA observers privy to the sort to race coverage fans would sell body parts to access. This advantaged viewpoint is used to aid deliberations on incidents before issuing Lewis his drive-through.
Reactive Suspension - Nose-dive inhibiting design from Lotus (Renault) and "explored" by Ferrari, named for the way the FIA would, and did, react by banning it.
Red Bull Racing - Current home of Championship cookie-cutter-car-creator, Adrian Newey - pays homage to Paul and Jackie Stewart's creation and thankfully ignores the Ford Jaguar years.
Sahara Force India - Despite the name, located across the road from Silverstone, Northamptonshire, England.
Screwdriver - 1. Device once used to work on F1 cars (in America, a hammer) 2. Drink made with orange juice and vodka (see also 'Kimi Raikkonen') 3. A lass enamoured with racing drivers (according to Dr. Mike Lawrence).
Sebastian Vettel - Type the word "Sebastian" into Google with auto-complete turned on and his is the first name offered. Need we say more?
Senna - 1. legendary F1 driver whose legacy still generates countless interest, documentaries and revenue. 2. Handy surname to have if you want to drive an F1 car.
Sexy Car - At a recent launch, a driver far too young to require "little blue pills" described his 2012 car as "sexy". We find this confusing.
Trulli Train - Named for Jarno Trulli's narcoleptic mid-race phases resulting in GP traffic jams not dissimilar to peak hour on arterial roads.
Tyre Degradation Syndrome - Along with DRS (Pron. Duhrs) and KERS (Pron. Cursze), TDS (Pron. Turdz) completes the triumvirate of spectacle-improving innovations leading the 2011 season to be really exciting if you exclude Vettel.
Ugly Nose - Formerly the exclusive characteristic of quirky French actor Gerard Depardieu, now a fixture on all F1 cars thanks to new rules from the FIA - which is ironically headquartered in Paris.
Young Driver Test - Funding source for lesser F1 teams whereby "cashed up" F1 wannabes are offered such irresistible gems as "whole day" and "pay-per-lap" tests in return for the dream they might score a drive.
Williams - Search the internet for "Fallen Giant", disregard all geological references, what you're left with is Williams.
Glen Crompton
crompo@pitpass.com
To check out previous features from 'Crompo', click here.
While in order not to cause a 'Chapple Moment', you can check out previous features from Mat, here